Oh ho ho ho

It's been a sad few days - just the heat, and being tired from it, and thinking about stuff, and the stuff in the news.

But this literally made me LOL..

And I don't even like jello shots. (Standard disclaimer: I do not drink, it gives me the migraine. And even if I did, jello shots seem like one of the more unappealing ways to imbibe. But whatever. It's still funny.)

I wonder if he'll do one out of pudding pops next. Mmmm, pudding pops.

Dammit.

I was reading a friend's description of the end of her cat's life...it happened over the weekend.

And now I'm crying again, because of my parents' cat who died last year.

DAMMIT. It has been a year. This should not still upset me. And I should not still be getting sad, some days in church, when I feel that empty spot next to me where my friend Dorothy used to sit.

I think it's partly because I'm distressed from the heat - I get something very like SAD, only in the summers - and because I'm not sleeping well because even running the A/C as cold as I feel I possibly can afford to isn't cool enough for me - that I'm weepy and susceptible to being made sad.

Hot weather sucks. Being alone most of the day (as I am because very few of my colleagues are on campus this summer) sucks. I get inside my head and it's hard to come back out.

Quiet

Yeah, I know, I sometimes get quiet in the summer. There are a couple reasons for that.

First of all, it's hot. It's actually been a bit hotter this summer than some recent summers. And the heat kind of saps my energy - when I come home I just want to do my self-mandated hour of piano practice and then read until it's time for bed.

And second, the summer classes take a lot of my energy. But in a good way. The students are a lot better and more involved (by and large) than they are in the regular semester (especially the Gen Bio non-majors students), and they ask a lot of tough questions and kind of require me to stay on my toes a little more. And it takes a little more energy teaching. But as I said, in a good way. I'd rather have students who ask questions and challenge me and want to know more about stuff and want to know the "why" of stuff instead of people who sit there like passive receivers.

I don't really have any "foolish student stories" either for the summer - aside from that one lazy instance of people thinking they could get away with plagiarized reports (and two of the three came and apologized to me for it later), I don't really have a lot of problems. Which is good. (knocking wood right now, thinking of last summer's debacle with the guy who wanted to claim that he deserved a better grade because "other people" cheated).

So I go in every morning and kind of pour myself out, then go home in the evenings and try to renew for the next day. It's good, just very tiring.

Hopefulness

And so we begin year 234 in this great experiment.

I admit I felt (and still feel from time to time) some pessimism about the path our country is on; it seems that in government, more and more, people are more interested in what perks they can get for themselves than they are in doing what is really and truly right for the nation (or even their own constituents, sometimes).

But then, I look at the people around me, and my optimism is restored. We are a good people. We may have our faults and our downfallings, but we by and large want to do what is right.

I live in a fairly small town. When a family without insurance gets burned out of their house, word goes around - the churches, in particular, mobilize. Lodgings are found for them. People search in their closets for "gently used" clothes in the sizes that the family need. Toys are provided to occupy the children. It is almost like the old story of the Stone Soup - no one initially seems to have much, but they come together and in the end, the family finds themselves with what they need, provided by their neighbors.

Or when someone has massive medical bills, someone will organize a taco sale, or a benefit concert, or an auction of donated items...to try to raise money to help the person.

From time to time, our little local paper will have a grateful letter from someone who had been passing through and whose car broke down. Or who left their wallet at the Chili's. Or who had some medical emergency - and people stepped forward to help. Someone turns in the wallet, a waiter remembers the people commenting on where they were going, hotels are called, the man is reunited with his wallet. Or good Samaritans come to the aid of the person with the broken-down car. Or something.

I think part of it is that in my town at least, people still have somewhat of what I call the "frontier attitude" - the understanding that the government either can't help or can't help soon enough, so people better pull together and help each other out. The whole "grassroots" thing is alive and well here.

There also seems to be an attitude of increasing understanding of the need to take personal responsibility among people. A lot of my friends have been talking about it. A lot of my colleagues - even those that self-identify pretty far to the left end of the political spectrum - they all understand that you should not count on the government for what you can do yourself. (And by the same token: a pretty hearty distaste for excessive government interference in people's lives.)

And there's a certain amount of pride among a couple of my friends, people who fought their way out of welfare and other forms of dependence on the government. There's a pride in being able to support oneself, and a gratitude - a lot of the folks I know who came "from not much" are also big supporters of their churches and other charities - because, as they said, "They were the ones who really stood by me when I was down and out" - there's the idea of paying it back, paying it forward, paying it however - but doing something to help others out.

And so I look around at the people in my town - the people I work with, the people I go to church with, the people in my AAUW group or the beautification council or other groups - and I don't see the sort of clamoring for more supervision, more assistance from the government, that is sometimes claimed of the American people. I also don't see the supposed slack-jawed blankness, the willingness to accept whatever they're told by the media or the politicians or the pundits: even people I know who don't have very advanced "traditional" educations are pretty much critical-thinkers when it comes to stuff like that. ("You have to ask yourself: 'what are they wanting us to believe here?' when you see stuff on the news," as one of the women in my Sunday School class put it one day).

So while I may not have a lot of hope about our current crop of politicians (or CEOs, for that matter), I have enormous hope about the American people - that there will be a groundswell of wanting to get back to work, of avoiding undue interference, of wanting to help on their own terms, without requiring the government to get involved. And may that come to pass. May we have good people, with the best interests of democracy and the nation at heart, who are less interested in being served than in serving, step forward and help us to course-correct.

Happy birthday, America. May we never forget why you were founded and the great freedoms we enjoy because we live here.

No, no, please, no.

I always wind up being some kind of de facto moderator in lots of situations. I think that's because I tend to like most people, and I tend to be a problem solver, and I don't tend to get angry and yell.

Well, I may be getting sucked into another one. I want to resist it but I can't, seeing as one of the parties involved is someone I share a workspace with.

This individual - let's call him X - isn't sharing the workspace totally equally. Some of his stuff is on "my" side, but I've never said anything, because I probably don't use that workspace to the degree he does.

However, he's now decided - since, he is Mr. Important Wrote-Two-Books - that he "deserves" space in one of the other faculty's workspaces as well.

And he moved stuff over there, without asking the faculty member. And talked about "throwing away" stuff that isn't being used - which is stuff that is actually University property, and therefore is illegal to throw away.

Well, when my other colleague - let's call him Y - found out, he got very angry. He called me and a third person (Z) in for a meeting (X is on vacation this week, that's why X wasn't in on the meeting.)

The phrase, "pissy little bitch" may or may not have been used to apply to X. Which makes me both cringe and giggle. Because yeah, some of X's behavior of late could perhaps, at the outside, be described in those terms.

Well, anyway, Y sent an e-mail to X about it. One thing he said? "IF you have issues about how ricki is sharing the space with you, take it up with her."

Sorry, WTF? That wasn't something that came out in our previous meeting. In fact, I had told Y that I had 1/3 of the workspace and X had 2/3 - AND I HAD SHOWN HIM.

So now I'm going to have to deal with X wanting even more of my space. And I'm going to have to deal with the fallout of X being irritated - X can be kind of passive aggressive and take stuff out on people who do NOT deserve it - because he's pissed off at Y, so instead of going and talking to Y he's going to bitch and scream to ME, because that means that he won't have to confront Y.

And you know? I'm done. I'm done with being his "trouble tree." I'm done with listening to all the crap that goes wrong in his life. I'm done with listening to him whine about how he should be entitled to something more than the rest of the faculty get, or to release time from teaching, or some other frakkin' thing because he believes he is more important than us.

(He actually said something along those lines to our secretary - who he has really rubbed the wrong way, as well. I hope she doesn't get fed up and ask for a transfer, or decide she's got enough years in to retire, because I doubt we'd ever get anyone as good as her again).

So if X gets all pissy when he comes back, and starts venting to me about something that does not DIRECTLY concern me, I am going to simply say, "I am busy. You need to go take it up with Y (or Z or whomever)." I am done with this. I am done with having my good moods destroyed, my time sucked away. I am done with being a free therapist for this guy.

Now I just need to stand strong and have the guts to say to him, "I don't want to hear this, this does not concern me, please do not drag me into it" when he starts.

X DID send a rather contrite e-mail in reply, but I'm fearful - because it was so short - that it was him barely controlling anger that will then come out - and be directed at me - when he comes back.

What is the best way to deflect the anger of someone who is angry because they feel they are entitled to something and aren't getting it, and they are taking it out on a person because they are just ANGRY?

I am not good at dealing with that kind of anger - when I get really angry over something, it is usually some injustice, and I try to use that anger as, "This is something that needs to be fixed and you can be the person to try to fix it" and then I calm myself down and call whatever office is screwing over the student (often times I get angry at Financial Aid) and try to discuss it with them and work something out.

When I just get the "free floating" anger - like when someone cuts me off on the road - I tell myself to calm down. I don't go to someone unrelated to the situation and "kick the dog" by screaming at them.

So I don't know how to deal with someone who feels thwarted and is yelling at me to deal with it - do I just sit there and listen and nod and in my head imagine myself walking through a huge sunny quilt shop full of fabric I want to buy, or do I say, "Stop. This is not my fault, do not take it out on me." or do I say, "I'm sorry, I have to be somewhere now" and leave the room (doesn't work if I'm working on research) or do I yell back or do I try to talk soothingly like you would to a snarling dog or do I burst into tears and say, "What do you WANT me to do about this? I have so many things going on in my life right now I can't keep track of all them" or what?

I hate human interaction some times.

It's a day early....

...but Cancer can FOAD.

My mom called last night. One of her best friends has been diagnosed with ovarian cancer. My mom's friend is in her early to mid 80s and has had other health issues (she had heart surgery about 10 years ago), and the cancer's started to spread, so she's decided not to have surgery, but rather to use chemo and radiation to try to prolong quality of life for however long it may last.

I respect her decision - I probably would have done the same thing in her place - but it still makes me sad and angry at Cancer.

She did say her doctor was pretty hopeful that some of the newer treatments could help her have good quality of life for a couple more years. And she has a daughter in Houston who is going to set up appointments for her at M.D. Anderson, to see if they have any different advice.

But still, it sucks. I know far too many people who've had cancer, who died of cancer, or who are fighting it now.

GraphJam

It speaks the truth, sometimes:



This happens to me. Or, worse, when I approach a line something will happen to make it suddenly go 10x slower than it was before.

please, people, please

This is one of those issues that I don't know if it's just me and I'm a Bad Person for feeling unhappy/put out by it, or if on the other hand I'm too nice for not saying something about it.

I have an acquaintance. I won't quite call her a friend. She and I have to work together in a volunteer capacity.

Earlier this week, I was involved in a volunteer-group meeting where she was present. I was told, "plan on the meeting being no longer than an hour" which was fine with me, seeing as it was coming at the end of a long day of teaching and research work.

Except. My acquaintance (Let's call her MA just to make it easy) decided at the end of the meeting she needed to "share." She brought up an issue that was IN NO WAY related to the topic of the meeting. (It was about a rather horrifying medical procedure she'd been through, and the aftermath).

Hand to God, it took her 45 minutes to spin out her story.

All the while I was sitting there, thinking:

"shutupshutup please finish up let me go home I'm tired I have to do my piano practice for today I need to wash my hair I'M TIRED I really don't want to be hearing this it's icky and sad and it's making me sad and please please please shutupshutup"

No one else was saying/doing anything, so I just sat there, feeling stricken, occasionally nodding and making little neutral sounds while my mind frantically tried to find one of its happy places to go to.

(This was a very horrifying and graphic description of a botched surgery and its aftermath).

And after I got home, I was sad and twitchy the rest of the day, thinking about the stuff that person had been through. Felt kind of depressed all evening (though that could just be because it is OH MY GOODNESS HOT here right now, and because I'm watching some of the new legislation ram its way through Congress and I'm fearing that next summer, I won't be able to even cool my house to the really-too-toasty-for-me 76* I currently keep it at.) And I had bad dreams - like really bad dreams, like the kind where you call up the people you love next morning just to convince yourself that it really was just a dream and they are in fact still alive, kind of bad dreams.

And I blame my unhappiness partly on this person's frantic need to SHARE.

Look, I don't want to know those kinds of stories. I will ask if I want to know. I feel somewhat offended and taken advantage of that this person used what was supposed to be technically a business meeting to seek attention from others. And to bring the whole room down.

And I never know how to respond to these things.

And I never know if I'm over-reacting to the oversharing. Oh, I never SAY anything, but I sit there feeling overwhelmed and sad and not wanting to listen and wishing I could run far, far away.

And so, here is my question: Am I too selfish with my time, to feel imposed upon because MA needed to tell everyone in the room intimate medical details? Am I being insensitive or unsympathetic? (I wonder at times - and I say this with some trepidation because I know there are people who read this blog from time to time who have relatives who have actually been diagnosed with this - if I could maybe be a wee bit farther along the Asperger's Syndrome spectrum than normal people, because I can't seem to feel content to sit there and nod and smile and tell myself, "Bless her heart, she just needs to share" when someone pulls this. No. I want to stand up, say, "This is making me sad and I don't want to hear it" and walk out and go home instead. But I don't, because I'm a big wussy in some ways.)

Is it normal for people to want to share sad gory details of their life?
Is it normal for other people to willingly be an audience to that?
Am I weird or messed up in the head for being unhappy over that, for feeling like those 45 minutes of my life were stolen from me, for feeling like I have lots of tough stuff that goes on in my life that I NEVER tell ANYONE because I think if I told someone I'd feel like I couldn't handle my own stuff.

Is it wrong for me to feel a little envious of the attention the chronic sharers get? I'd love to have people listening that raptly to me, but....I just can't do that. I can't share all the deep dark stuff in my life.