Just a little observation:

Dear student,

If you didn't skip class, like, 2/3 of the time, you might just score better than a 10% on an exam.

But I imagine you'll blame me for failing. That's okay; I have tenure and besides the students who do come to class regularly give me positive evaluations.

However, you might want to rethink the whole going-to-med-school thing.

love,

dr. ricki.