That's what this is going to take, time.
Time for me to get past what happened
Time for the memories of what was said and done to fade.
Another thing I've decided is that maybe I've been looking at this a little bit the wrong way. Instead of expecting the other "grown ups" to act, well, grown up (or at least more grown up than me), I have to remember that people are all a little messed up in different ways (sometimes in ways you cannot see) and that sometimes something happens that pushes those messed up buttons. And probably that people are doing the best they can, but we all have blind spots, and when all of those blind spots collide, it's a big pile of - who is it that uses this term, Nightfly? - pferdkaese.
And I also am going to keep Hanlon's Razor in mind: never attribute to malice what stupidity can explain. (Or: I'm going to be nice here and say "poor communication" rather than "stupidity.")
So I'm going to remember the good advice of a sweet, old (and now gone on to her Reward) African-American member of my parents' church: Keep on keepin' on.
She used to say that to me when I was having difficulties, or (particularly) when I ran up against some obstacle in finishing my graduate work: Keep on keepin' on.
So, L. this is in part in your memory. I know you dealt with some bad crap (being, you know, black and all) during your life but you were never bitter or demanding or angry about what had happened in the past.
I'm gonna keep on keepin' on and I'm going to look towards the future and be hopeful. And I'm going to do my damnedest not to let this make me bitter, or make people want to "pay" in some stupid, passive-aggressive way (like suddenly being "busy" on a day when I had already volunteered to help with something)
I also think - this being Labor Day weekend and all, and I have 4 days "off" (as I don't teach Tuesdays and I get Monday off from class) that I need to get out and do something on Saturday. Either go to a town I've never been to before (that has something interesting going for it) or go somewhere I haven't been in a while. Go out and do some antiquing, and shop in some nice boutiques, and get lunch out somewhere. Because, as much as I love staying at home sometimes and sewing or knitting, I'm afraid that staying home this weekend may allow my mind to travel down some rather gloomy paths that it's been traveling of late.
The only bad thing is that gas has gone up 20 cents a gallon in, like, a week (what is causing this? There aren't any hurricanes in the area. I haven't heard that oil spiked up yet again. Is this because Total closed down a refinery? It's not just the Total places where gas is up). Then again - I'm telling myself that that extra cost of gas will still be cheaper than a therapist's bill if I really can't make myself snap out of this.
Of course, I also have the first volume of the "Animaniacs" set on dvd that I bought a while back with one of my Target "HSICBISSMSAYS*" discounts and haven't taken time to watch yet. That might help, too.
(*Holy (bleep) I can't believe I bought so much stuff at your store." With the Target Visa - which I use PURELY AS A CONVENIENCE and pay off in full every month, so I don't need a lecture about the rapacious interest of department-store credit cards - every time you rack up $1000, you get a card good for a 10% discount on anything you buy in one day. I think I've done this twice in the three or four years I've had the card.)
Thursday, August 30, 2007
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7 comments:
Some scattered thoughts I hope will help. They might also annoy some other people. I'm sorry if such turns out to be the case.
Sin is not so much what we do as what we ARE: self-centered, and even self-absorbed. That is the natural human condition. I wish it weren't, but it is. A basic reason for being a Christian is acknowledgement of this trait, and confession that we cannot save ourselves from it. We can only hope to be rescued, and in fact we have been--in advance.
That's why I bristle when I hear churchgoers accused of hypocrisy. The "true" ones are in the pews not because they think themselves morally superior (at least I have proven on numerous occasions that I'm not), but because they confess that their thoughts and often their behavior fall far short of the standards set by their Creator. I don't mean to start a fight or argument with Maggie May, but putting oneself above the alleged hypocrisy of organized religion is basically an excuse for sleeping in on Sunday mornings. I used to use it myself.
I also recognize that there are plenty of churchgoers who for some reason DO set themselves up as morally superior. The reason must be that, even while attending, they're not really paying attention.
As for the case at hand, Ricki, you're right: I do ache for you, and want your pain to go away, despite my not knowing your last name nor your geographical location (other than a college in the South), and it's probably better that way since you couldn't be nearly as candid on the blog if your readers did know that stuff.
I can ask you to remember Paul's line that "All have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God." That includes "men of the cloth," as the phrase used to have it. And in fact it does mean ALL. Accept that only your Savior will ever NOT fail you. Everybody else on earth will do so at one time or another--as will you regarding them, even though the failure might be inadvertent. Be ready to forgive, as you in turn hope to be forgiven.
The solution you're pondering sounds to me like a good one, even a smart one. Give yourself a Labor Day weekend away from the hassle. Don't just spend the extra money for gas, but buy something frivolous while you're gone. Frivolity is sometimes essential. So is a teddy bear.
Come Tuesday morning, the old chalk dust will remain on the slate, but it will be erased enough for new things to be written on it. (A little metaphor for the schoolmarm there.)
Several people you don't know, and will probably never meet, are rooting avidly for you.
Well - what Dave said!
And "pferdkaese" is actually my co-blogger, the Barking Spider; I like to give him credit whenever I rip off something of his.
I am not taking your words as argument, Dave. In fact I appreciate them.
I had hoped I was clear, but obviously not, when I said I was not claiming to be right...that was just MY PERSONAL experience with organized religion. And I have found inspiration in people like Ricki, Nightfly, Tracey, etc., who have given me hope that I was wrong about some things.
I know you can't paint all people with the same brush, and I never intended to. I am sure there are some wonderful church goers who ARE there for the right reasons. I just don't happen to know any personally...other than my invisible internet friends.
And I never intended to put myself "above" anyone...ever. In fact I am probably less than you, since I cannot get past what my personal experiences have been with organized religion, and you can. Congratulations.
But I promise you...it is NOT an excuse to sleep in on Sundays. You don't know me well enough to make that judgment. I'm sure for some people that is true...just like, like it or not, SOME churchgoers ARE hypocrites. But neither statment is true of everyone.
I am sorry if I implied otherwise.
Good thoughts, Maggie May. Thank you for them.
The older I get, the more I realize - there are "hypocrites" everywhere. People will always disappoint me because I'm an idealist.
I'm glad - Maggie and Dave - this didn't become an on-blog fight over stuff. (At least I didn't get disappointed in you.)
That said - I do understand that there are times when other people can be "too much." I can understand leaving a church because there's so much dissention, so many people who've forgotten what the basic message is, too many people who make it about THEM and not about GOD. I experienced that a few years ago when this church split happened.
Perhaps that's actually also part of it - every time there's ever a disagreement in the congregation over something, I immediately remember that day when what had been basically the leadership of the church got up and WALKED OUT of a board meeting, and as they went, handed pre-drafted letters of resignation - when I realized it wasn't a spontaneous gesture of frustration, but a planned defection, because they couldn't have everything they wanted - because people were asking them to compromise on some things.
Over the years I've experienced very specific hurts in very specific ways, and more and more I find that those old hurts don't really totally heal; they may have grown over, but the scar is still tender.
You're right, Ricki...there are hypocrites everywhere, and I am sure we are all guilty of it on occasion as well. As Dave so perfectly pointed out...self-centered and self-absorbed is the natural human condition. All we can do is do our best.
And I think you and I have the same problem...people disappoint me too. It's always like finding out there is no Santa Claus all over again.
I am trying to learn from you all and be more forgiving, even as I seek forgiveness, but it IS hard for those hurts to heal.
I am glad, at least, that Dave and I did not add to your disappointment. :)
Time, and laughter--Animaniacs is a perfect choice. I've always loved the musical numbers!
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