Perspective

One of our majors lost his mother 10 days ago. She was killed in a car accident. This is AFTER he was already dealing with some other family difficulties.

He came back to school today. I was amazed at how together he was - if I had lost my mom just ten days ago, I wouldn't be able to tie my own shoes, let alone show up and be courteous to professors.

He was here mainly to take care of paperwork things; he said that he didn't think he could do this semester the way it should be done, so he was going to temporarily withdraw and come back in the winter.

I feel for him. He's basically become an orphan in the past few weeks and now he has to take care of his mom's estate and all that stuff. (I really hope that if he has siblings, they are sane about things).

The real bad thing of it is, he was almost through. He was set to graduate, either this winter or next spring. So now he's set back a while.

And yet - he was so polite through it all, so normal. He thanked me for signing an "Incomplete" form for him - what he will need so he can get financial aid again in the spring without major headaches. I also reminded him that I had the form he had sent to me for job recommendations - partly as a mental note to myself that I MUST fill it out. (I just did, it's on its way). He thanked me again for that. He also told me he'd stop back in periodically to let us know how things were going. I wished him well and told him that I was sorry about his mom and that if there was anything else I could do, bureaucracy-wise, to make things easier for him, he should just call me.

And, as he walked out the door, he said, "You have all made this so much easier for me. You have no idea how much this helps."

And that kind of baffled me - I didn't really do anything much. I didn't do anything over and above what I'm supposed to do as a professor - I helped out a student with circumstances beyond his control to manage, and not to lose his chance at completing the degree that will get him a position in the field where he wants to work. True, I was pleasant about it - I mean, this is someone who's always been a nice guy, and it really does pain me to think of him cut adrift now, having to deal with the loss of his mom. (I think he will deal with it fine, in the long run. He seems to be managing okay right now.)

But you know - it's perspective. And it makes me sad to think that this fellow comes in less than two weeks after a major family upheaval and he can be polite and friendly and act as if the little things I have done for him a blessing, and that some of the students I deal with are not like that at all. People who get upset - I mean, violently upset - over something that is the cosmic equivalent of a broken nail. I've had students who are demanding over little things - who miss class for multiple weeks with no excuse and then expect me to cheerfully fork over all the missed work, and take late papers, and write make-up tests for them. And they get hostile when I'm not willing to do that, even though it's in the syllabus and I've talked about it in class. The people who believe that they are extra-special and so those rule-things don't apply to them. And those kind of people are the ones who chap my hide, who make me go home at the end of the day and lock my door and say, "thank GOD I don't have to deal with anyone else today."

And yet - the person who I would consider as having the "right" to lash out and be emotional and difficult because of what had happened to him, was nothing but pleasant.

The truth is- when I said to him that if there was anything I could do to expedite things, to make it easier for him - I was being totally truthful. I'm totally willing to help - to go out of my way - for someone like him, someone who has always been pleasant and friendly in class, who has worked well with the other students. But when it's someone who comes in and snarls at me that I "need" to give them a makeup test even though they missed the first one because they didn't pay attention to the syllabus and chose to skip class on the day when I gave a test - that's when I kind of clamp down and am not willing to help.

And I have conflict over that. I feel like, because of who I am, I should be nice to everyone. I should - even if I don't give the stinkin' make up, which really wouldn't be doing the RIGHT thing, a lot of these "kids" need to grow up and realize that the world doesn't revolve around them - at least be pleasant or as pleasant as possible. But I do think there's some kind of repayment, I guess, for how you treat people. I'd walk through fire if it meant helping the guy who lost his mom - I've had him in several classes and he's been unfailingly responsible and polite and cheerful and helpful to the other students. But I have other students who sit in class, lumpen and surly and who either roll their eyes at their classmates or try to mooch notes off of them. And them, I'm not so willing to walk through fire for. And I don't know whether to feel guilty over that, or whether to shrug and say, "that's how the world works - if you're nice to me I go out of my way for you; if you're hostile to me you will get help but no extra."