names and naming

Tracey was talking about names in her blog.

My given name is Erica; I am ricki to only certain people. I have always liked my given name, and I like my nickname for certain contexts. (And yes, I spell my nickname with a lowercase, usually. It's a minor affectation.)

I've always liked my given name; it is serious without having the whiff of "headmistress who wears a tie" that Bertha or something similar might have. And yet, it is not un-serious. As I said in the comment on Tracey's blog, I know of a famous linguist named Bambi Schefelbein. I cannot imagine being saddled with a name like Bambi, unless it was a "stage name" one took on when one was pole-dancing down at the titty bar.

My name was also - at least until recently - fairly unusual. Growing up in northeastern Ohio, there were few other people with my name. Most of them were older women; many immigrants from Germany or Scandinavia. I was also aware of the British needleworker Erica Wilson. I will admit I always felt a bit proud to share a name with her - my mom had a number of her books and I always liked her designs.

(I was named for a distant German relative - a great-aunt or something. And because the name was unusual without being bizarre. My mom said they considered very carefully - they wanted a name that wouldn't doom me to having to be Firstname Firstletteroflastname in my classes, like all of the Michelles or Kristins. [I think one year there was, in a class of 25, a Kristin B., a Kristin K., a Kristen-with-an-e, a Kirsten, and a Kristin W. The poor teacher.)

Another good thing about my name is that it doesn't rhyme with anything. For anyone teased on the playground, this will make sense. You don't want a name that rhymes with attributes like "smelly" (Shelley) or that can be transmogrified into something gross like "mucus" (Marcus). I think the worst teasing I got was from some little girls of soap-opera addled mothers, who used to shout at me "You're on All My Children! You're on All My Children!" (It annoyed me then but now it makes me laugh and shake my head over what kids will do to try and get other kids' goats.)

My name is more common now. I do not know if it is because of All My Children, or the increase in the Hispanic population (although Erica is originally a German name, it is popular among Hispanic women. I suppose because there were German settlers of Mexico, and people thought it was a pretty name). And also it was featured in that "Mambo Number 5" song. (But then so was Monica and I don't see many Monicas).

I often wondered as a kid about how it would be different to have a name that lots of other people had. I think it might affect one's sense of distinctiveness - I know I felt very unusual as a child (not always a good feeling, but a lot of the time it was). Like my thoughts were my own, and maybe all the Kristins had some kind of a hive-mind where they shared thoughts.

To this day - if there's another Erica in the room, I reflexively look up when someone says her name - I'm so used to being the only one.

Another thing that struck me was in language class - either the tiny bit of Spanish we had in grade school or the French I had later on - whe you introduced yourself. I don't remember if there were different ways to do it in Spanish, but in French, you could either say "I am" or "My name is" - just like in English. Some of the kids said, "My name is" but I always said "I am" - I related so deeply to my name, I guess, that I figured it was a defining feature of me, rather than some tag that was stuck on me, a convenient handle.

I don't remember ever seriously wanting to change my name. In high school I talked about changing my middle name to Annabella (I was going through a sort of Edwardian-British phase) and that I would write books and poetry under the name E. Annabella [Lastname] and that I'd write British-style mystery novels under the pseudonym Bella Twinings. (that last name taken from the tea). But I was never serious about it.

I began using my middle initial in addition to my firstname and lastname a few years ago. I don't know why. I think it was an affectation; it made my name look a little grander. It's got to the point that I sign my name now with my middle initial. I suppose some people think it's the vestige of my maiden name (it's not; I still have my maiden name. I still have my "maiden" status...well, legally speaking at least).

I've always strongly identified with my name (so much so, as I said, that I introduce myself as "I am..." rather than "My name is..."). I wonder what it would be like to not identify with your name - to feel like "I'm not the person I'm called." I can imagine it would be uncomfortable, perhaps a bit like the discomfort I feel when I look in the mirror and ask myself, "where's the skinny chick that I have the image of myself being in my mind? [I was a skinny kid and a reasonable teenager; its' the last 20 years that have taken their toll. Don't get me wrong - it's not like I'm 400 pounds or something. It's just, I look at my belly and my boobs and...well, it feels a bit like it's not-me, that I'm looking at someone else].

I wonder how many parents give little thought to their kids' names, what they mean, what they might do in the kids' future. I know my mom said they were VERY careful not to select a name with initials that spelled something bad (like ASS). And she said they were also careful to choose something that would not be too babyish - I guess they could imagine me as a grownup even days after I was born. (Well, in old pictures of me as a kid - I do have a strangely grownup look about my face; I had one of those faces that matured early).

My parents chose well, and I am glad of it.

I wonder - does a kid's name affect his or her personality, or even destiny, like some of those weird new-agey groups claim?