performance review and a donut

Don't let anyone ever tell you that people in academia don't get evaluated. We do.

We have to fill out big "performance review" packets at my university - every year - with our teaching eval's, our publications, our grants, our "service," etc. Every year it makes me feel like I want to throw up because I always feel like I'm not as good as I should be. (Even though I have tenure, even though I've never gotten below an "above average," etc., etc.)

My department chair sent an e-mail around reminding us to come in and discuss them with her. Today was the last day to do it. Being an avoidant sort, I put it off until today. (Not that, as I said, I have any prior reason to believe my review would be less than good. I just don't like them because I still feel like I'm fooling people somehow, and that someday I will be actually unmasked as The Incompetent that I Really Am.)

Anyway. I went in to do it and she reminded me she needed my class evaluations and comments. (Again: avoidant. I had not included them because I don't know how I stack up - every negative comment is like a knife, like an indictment of me). So I went and found them.

And I decided to Be Proactive! So I started gabbling as she went through the comments, saying crap like "I never know what to do about the people who say there's too much work or too much lecture or there needs to be less homework and more activities...." And I realized I was babbling. And then I talked about a class that I co-teach, in which both my co-teacher and I got HORRIFICALLY BAD evalutions, partly because it's a night class, and partly because it's computer-based, so when the software locks up or has a bug, of course it's OUR fault...and I talked about how we had changed things to make it better.

And she kind of commiserated with me. And said, yeah, some of the students just don't know what they want.

And she reminded me I had published two articles this year.

And she told me I got an "outstanding" and two "above averages" and was I happy with that?

And you know - I have such a funky opinion of myself that I'm happy with anything that's better than Needs Improvement.

So I said yeah, and she typed it up, and I signed it, and thank God it's done for another year.

So I feel good about that. And there were donuts in the break room. Donuts make everything better.