ricki's rules

I have a series of "rules." Not so much rules for me to live by, but rules I would like to impose (had I the power and inclination) on other people. Sometimes I would give them little numbers, to make them seem to be part of a cohesive list, but there's really no cohesive list.

So here's my attempt at a list of rules.

Ricki's rule for students #1: Do not piss off the person who is going to be grading you. What this means is: do not write in teeny-weeny-eye-strain-o-vision if you are physically capable of writing larger. Do not use peculiarly colored pens (orange, pale pink, yellow, and light purple, on white paper, constitute peculiarly-colored: they mess with my astigmatism. And seriously, what kind of passive-aggressive person writes in YELLOW on WHITE paper?). Do not ask me every 20 minutes if I have your exams graded yet. Do not argue with me on semantics, or try to "lawyerball" things.

Ricki's rule #2: Do not be rude to people who are serving you. That includes waiters, shop-staff, checkers, mail delivery people, etc. Yes, I know there are a lot of really boneheaded people out there. And a lot of them work retail. But there are also a lot of people working retail who are trying to get OUT of retail and do something better. People who are trying to prevent or rectify a problem especially do not deserve your rudeness and scorn.

Ricki's rule #3: If someone is doing something on a volunteer basis, and you are doing nothing, you do not have the right to sit there and criticize their every minor motion. Criticizing may be easy and fun, but when you're telling the person who (for example) puts out a new roll of tp for you that they've put it in the holder "backwards," that's just kind of a piss-ant thing to do. You deserve to have to get your own damn tp next time.

Ricki's rule #4: If you drop it on the floor, pick it up.

Ricki's rule #5: If you use it up, either replace it, or tell the person in charge of purchasing the replacement that it has been used up.

Ricki's rule #6: Do not walk away from a paper-jammed copier or printer, whistling innocently, leaving the mess for the next person to deal with. Again: fix it. Or tell someone with the brains to fix it.

Ricki's rule #7: Do not expect ricki to always be the one to go and fetch the printer paper for the shared printer. Especially when she prints 1/2 the material you do.

Ricki's rule #8: If you break something, let someone know. This goes double if you are an adult with a Ph.D. No one is going to send you to your room without supper just because you jammed the copier.

Ricki's rule #9: If you agree to do something, "I didn't feel like it" or "I was tired" is not a valid excuse for bailing on doing whatever it was.

Ricki's rule #10: If you have to bail on doing something you agreed to do - EVEN IF rule #9 would be violated - it is WORSE if you do not tell the person you agreed to do the thing for.

Ricki's rule #11: If you volunteer to do something, and then find you cannot, it is your responsibility to find a replacement. You are not off the hook by calling the president of the group or the coordinator or someone who seems responsible and leaving them a message asking them to do your dirty work for you and find your damn replacement. Do it yourself!

Ricki's rule #12: If your child behaves like a beast in public, it is your responsibility to train them not to be a beast. It is not the responsibility of the schools/government/Wednesday Night Church Leader to do it. And it's not the responsibility of the public on which you inflict your brat to suck it up and "deal" with a child screaming and running up and down the aisles of a crowded grocery store.

Ricki's rule #13: If you get into a near-accident while talking on your cell phone, take the hint and don't drive and yack.

Ricki's rule #14: Common sense is not something you should have to wait to be legislated. Just because the container of printer ink does not have a warning label on it that says "DO NOT FEED TO INFANTS" does not mean that it's ok to feed it to your infant. Don't be stupid.

Ricki's rule #15: Don't piss on someone else's day. Don't be mean for the sake of being mean. Don't contribute to the increasing ugliness of our world by behaving in an ugly way, especially to someone who is not doing anything directly to you.

Ricki's rule #16: Before burdening someone else with your TMI story, ask yourself: Would I want to hear as complex and long a story right back from them? If the answer is no (or even if the answer is yes), stop. No one deserves to have to hear about the thing the doctor drained on your back last week or what your most recent exes favorite sexual position was.

Ricki's rule #17: I am not a doctor. Do not ask me to diagnose. Yes, I am a biologist, but that doesn't mean that pointing your pus-filled sore at me and going "This look infected to ya?" will get the correct answer - or even an answer at all, other than my screaming and running down the hall.

Ricki's rule #18: If you are older than I am, you have forfeited your right to act more immature than me. Especially in interpersonal matters. I am not a "peacemaker." Last time I checked, I did not resemble either Mother Teresa nor Albert Schweitzer.

Ricki's rule #19: Talk on the phone OR grocery shop. Not both.

Ricki's rule #20: Saying, "don't get mad, but" or "don't take this the wrong way, but" are pretty much going to guarantee I'm going to do just that.