Thursday, September 24, 2009

Let me count the ways...

...that this day has sucked. (sigh.)

I have had a borderline migraine for like two days. It always happens when we get big changes in the weather. Or maybe it's not a migraine, though it feels like it (except without the puking and the absolute nonfunctionality. But aspirin won't touch it, my allergy meds won't touch it, ibuprofen won't touch it.)

It's some better now, but it does come and go.

I was late to the lab I teach this afternoon. And my teaching assistant was "unavoidably delayed," but I didn't know that until I walked into lab. One of my students - someone with whom I have had issues in the past - snapped at me, "You're late!"

And then I committed what is known as a professional blunder. Instead of smiling ruefully and saying "You're right" or something equally neutral (well, I tried to ignore him the first time but then he repeated it, LOUDER), I said, "Yeah, and I have a migraine too, so my day IS NOT GOING WELL."

So I can kiss a decent evaluation from that guy goodbye. Such is the way of teaching. You have to put up with all manner of incivility from students, but if your mask of kindness and concern slips for a moment, suddenly OH NOES you are OGRE WOMAN WHO HATES EVERYONE AND HER JOB!!!11!!

But good grief - I was one and one-half minutes late, according to the clock in the room.

And it was a lab that involved bright lights. Not fun with a headache. And my group of "we're always WRONG!" students (they assume any time something doesn't work out perfectly, that they screwed up, they are wrong, they don't understand, they need someone to RESCUE them!) were in full bore needy mode today.

Then I finally got home.

You know, it is never a good thing to open up the local paper and see someone you went to church with being led away in handcuffs as the lead story. This was someone who had been accused of a crime of a "personal" nature (it's bad, but not as bad as some). I had been under the impression it was a he-said-she-said and he was going to fight it, but maybe the plea deal offered was too good. (Then again, he's going to be on a certain list for-freaking-ever, and I wonder how this is going to affect his ability to be IN the church in the future, considering that there are kids that go there. (before you ask, it was an ADULT woman. No kids involved in the issue. But people will still have problems with it, I suspect).)

I'm sad about that. Sad to think that he may have done what he was accused of, sad that he's having to go away. Sad that this is going to inflame MORE damnable rumors from the group that split away from us - what was it now, six years ago?

I'm glad I was a fairly new member when it happened, and that I was the "fly under the radar" type, so no one will be calling me and trying to pump me for gossip like they do to one of the women in my Sunday school class. (Though it would give me a great opportunity to pull out one of my favorite lines from The Wizard of Oz...the one that ends something like, "And now, well, being a Christian woman, I can't say it...")

And I'm also just going through one of those sad times. I saw a couple walking down the street today, hand in hand, and felt like I wanted to cry because I don't have that, and it seems like I will never have that. Oh, I know, there are worse things than being alone (being in a bad relationship, for one). But the intellectual and the emotional don't always mesh, and sometimes it would be REALLY NICE to have someone to come home to, someone who would listen - at least once in a while - when I was feeling low and sad and crappy and would tell me he was sorry, or suggest he'd go get a pizza for us to share for dinner, or something.

It's hard pulling the weight all by yourself. It's hard, sometimes, coming home to an empty house and having to figure out some way to cheer yourself up because there's no one else to.

And I'm SO FREAKING SICK of all the "new austerity" or "new asceticism" or "new frugality" or whatever the freaking HELL news stories. Yes, the economy sucks. I don't need to be told every day about foregoing luxuries for some undefinable reason about the economy being bad. I don't like hearing about how more glossy magazines - one of my few comforts these days, actually - may fold because of the recession. I don't like to think of what the Christmas season is going to be like. Are we going to be bombarded with guilt-making (for those of us who are doing OK and might actually BUY presents) stories about families that are gathering around the Christmas Stick by (involuntary) candlelight to sing songs and to share their "imagine" presents - because none can be bought?

(And a part of me - the Tinfoil Hattie part - is wondering if the New Austerity is being pushed as a way of making the "traditional bourgeoisie" look as bad as possible, to try to guilt people into demanding redistribution of wealth or something)

And I'm still sick of the New Frugality stories - one came in my gas bill, of all places - suggesting people can save Oh So Much Money! by packing a lunch to work. Thanks, Mr. Captain Obvious Gas Bill. Next time, maybe you could save yourself a little money by not sticking spam inserts in your mailing?

And I'd really liked to have had something other than pasta or salad for dinner, but there's nothing else in the fridge and I lack the energy to go out and procure food. And I do not live somewhere with abundant delivery restaurants. If I wanted a Domino's pizza, I could have that, but I don't want a Domino's pizza.

What I'd really like? A nice steak dinner (one I didn't have to go out and buy the steak for, and cook myself, and clean up after myself) with someone interesting to talk to.


Mr. Bingley said...

Gosh, I'm sorry about your totally suckitude of a day. I hope you can find some peace and comfort over the weekend.

Kate P said...

Rant on, sister. I've got those sad times going on, too--this too shall pass, but man, it seems as if the change of seasons just slammed into us this year.

And jeez, if we can't be human and have feelings and be late sometimes, then what is the world coming to?