Coal in their stockings...

This is somewhat in the spirit of Emily's now-traditional Friday thread (and many thanks to Emily for starting it; it has become weekly therapy for many).

But I'm pretty much in a Fine Holiday Mood today (and not chemically-induced, either: I'm done with grading, I just counseled a super-enthusiastic student who actually has her stuff together and will do something useful with her life, and this time Monday I will be hurtling [at the posted speed limit of course] towards a train station to meet a train that will take me back to my loving family, relaxation, and Christmas).

So, rather than the eff-off that Emily proposes, I'm going to suggest that here are a few people who should get Coal in Their Stockings. (Or in whatever Secular Holiday Symbol they wish to substitute...)

1. The people who steal baby Jesus figures from Nativity scenes. Look, I don't even want to KNOW what you are doing with them - any of the things I can think of make me more than a little ill. If you're bored teenagers, shame on you. You should go find an old person in your neighborhood and offer to rake the leaves in their yard or shovel their walks for them instead. If you're Christmas-haters, you're not advancing your cause any by anonymously removing the main religious symbol of the season. If you're iconoclasts, no one even understands who you are any more so just give it up.

2. The Seattle-Tacoma Airport, for taking down the Christmas trees, caving in to one angry rabbi. And for doing that rather than putting up his requested menorah. Look, I can see your rationale, but I don't appreciate it.

3. That rabbi, who is now (disingenuously?) claiming he "never wanted to make trouble." Then why did you offer to litigate, my friend?

4. Anyone who caves to a few grumpy people who complain about decorations, and take those decorations down. It's kind of like back in fourth grade, when Billy Dugan did something rude in class and the teacher kept ALL of us in from recess. The fact that I still remember that incident shows how bitter-making punishing the majority because the minority is being irritating can be.

5. People who complain about the "wastefulness" of Christmas - like that it "wastes electricity" to have those little fairy lights turned on for a few hours per night. Please. You can sit in the dark if you want. But sometimes being able to enjoy, for a little bit, outweighs any conservation concern.

And seriously? How much power do a few 0.5 watt (or whatever they are) tiny white lights draw?

6. The ultra-puritans (and I've known a few of these) who refuse to do the Santa Claus thing with their kids (telling even, like, 2-year-olds that the fat man is a myth), who refuse to have Christmas trees or greenery, because they are somehow "pagan" or "Popist" symbols. Because they're not sufficiently religious. Look, just lighten up a little for once? You're not going to be admitted to Heaven based on how stiff your backbone is.

Also, the people who have to tiresomely remind us that Christ wasn't "really" born on December 25th: look, most of us with somewhat of a theological education KNOW that, we just like to pretend for now, because of tradition and all.

(One of my mom's friends' sisters won't even send out Christmas cards - won't even celebrate on the 25th - because she says the date of Christmas is just an old pagan holiday, and that she feels that it's not good enough for "Our Lord" to have to have His birthday plunked on the old holiday of Saturnalia. To which I say something I seldom say, because it's rude and dismissive: "Whatever." And then I go back to wrapping my gifts and drinking my eggnog.)

Look, holier-than-thou doesn't go down well at any time of year, most of all a time when most other people are happy. And are willing to accept some of the little fictions of the season.

7. The people who tell us we shouldn't give gifts. Because it's "using too much of Mama Earth's resources" or it's unfair to the people who are too poor to give gifts, or whatever. Again, I say: fine, if that floats you and your family's boat, do it. Just don't tell me I'm a Bad Person because I bought my brother a cool book on bicycling that he will enjoy or sent yummy pecan treats to all of my extended family.

Being able to make people happy by sending them gifts is one of the joys of HAVING a comfortable income, and by golly, I'm going to enjoy it.

8. People who leave their dogs or cats outside in freezing cold sleety weather. Yeah, yeah, they have fur coats. But wet and miserable is wet and miserable no matter what kind of creature you are. At least let them hang out in your mudroom and have a warm place to sleep.

9. People who spend all their time bitching about "having" to give gifts to some relative or "friend" that they really dislike. Just shut up, okay, and stop making shopping miserable for the rest of us. There is a wonderful invention called the "gift card" where you can go in to Best Buy or whereever and by spending almost no thought and almost no time, have something that is seen as equivalent to a gift by most of the world.

10. That said: the people who commit fraud by taking the numbers off of gift cards out on display and then claiming that the card is theirs, they lost it, and, um, can they get the money back - thus defrauding some honest person who really purchased the card, and also disappointing and angering the recipient. You people deserve something worse than coal in your stockings. Actually, anyone who defrauds people this time of year, whether it be by a fake charity scam, or by taking the toys donated to Toys for Tots and putting them back out on store shelves (as a walmart supposedly did one year), or the gift-card thieves, or the people who break into houses when they know the families are out at Christmas Eve services and steal the gifts - all of you deserve a bag of flaming reindeer poop in your stockings.

11. Just in general: the people who would suck all the happiness out of this season. The cold-water-throwers and wet blankets. As I've abundantly said here: if you want to shiver in the dark and eat beans and not give gifts, that's fine with me. Just don't set yourself up as a Better Person because of that choice you make. And by all that's good, don't tell me that I just 'think' I'm happy while I do what I do, and that my life is really "empty." I'm a pretty good judge of "happy" vs. "empty" (having lived through some dark periods in my life) and I think "happy" carries the day for me right now.