Hoping

I want this to be a good year.

I want to be able to do good things - both "good things" in the sense of things that are beneficial to my career, and "good" in the sense of a wider good, of improving the world a little tiny bit.

I want good things to happen in this year - things that surprise me but make me happy, things that make me happy that aren't of my instigation.

I want to spend less time worrying about stuff that either may never come to pass, or stuff that I don't personally have control over.

I want to be better at "filtering" - that is, when someone criticizes me or something I've done, to be able to look at the criticism and not immediately, reflexively, respond "well, that means I suck, then, and I shouldn't even try" but to look at it and think, "are they really criticizing me because they think I need to improve? Or are they upset about something and lashing out? Or are they doing it because they think I'll respond, and they get some kind of sick pleasure from making a person feel bad?"

I want to be better at saying "no" and setting boundaries when boundaries need to be set. I need to remind myself that it's rare that I'm the "only" person who can do something, and I want to remind myself that I deserve to have some free time as well.

I want to spend more time thinking. One thing I miss when I am very busy is having time to contemplate, to think, to try to fit the things I read together into some kind of a framework.

I want to read more in the coming year.

I want to go somewhere I've not been before - just get in the car and drive there - to challenge myself. I'm (you might not believe this) actually kind of shy and it's sometimes hard for me to go new places because I get myself into a funk of thinking I'll not be welcomed, or I'll get lost, or I'll not know what to say or do when I'm there.

I want to avoid political fights, arguments over religion - just generally things that sap my energy and don't get anyone anywhere. I don't mind DISCUSSING things but it seems too often in our culture discussion and disagreement fast become argument. And I said a long time ago that I don't argue anything that I see someone as believing for primarily emotional reasons. And it seems a lot of political views - at least those I see at the university - are held for mainly emotional reasons.

I want not to get caught up in stupid stuff - especially stuff that doesn't impact me directly and over which I have no control. So Britney's screwing up her life yet again? Well, I have my life that I can watch over and not screw up, but I can't do anything to help her, and her screwing up doesn't affect me. So although I'd hope she gets it together before she heads down the tragic path others have plowed, I'm not going to devote much of my psychic energy to dealing with the news of her life.

I want to not feel guilty for things I enjoy. Like reading mystery novels. I shouldn't say to myself, "You know, you really should be reading "Anna Karenina" instead" or something like that. And likewise, I will not feel guilty for buying dvds of movies or television shows I enjoy and watching them more than once. If an episode of "House" is good the first time, it will still be good the third or fourth time.

I don't really do New Year's Resolutions because so many of them seem like a reflexive response - sort of a punishment for what you did and enjoyed over the holidays. Yes, I gained a pound or two over Christmas. But you know what? I enjoyed the food that caused me to gain those couple of pounds. They came from dinners around a table with my family, or from Christmas cookies, or from going out for bubble teas with my mom. I'm not going to immediately snap back and go "that was BAD and that was WRONG and I now must eliminate all sugar from my diet in penance for that" because to me, that seems to be denying the good feelings that circulated around the times of eating. (That does not mean I am not going back on the healthier eating regimen I usually follow; it actually will kind of be a welcome change to go back to less-rich food. And I will probably drop that pound or two of Christmas weight in a month or less.)

But I do like to look out over January and hope...maybe we should do New Year's Wishes instead of New Year's Resolutions...it sounds more fun, and more hopeful. (You can still "wish" to get in shape or lose weight or quite smoking or whatever...but it seems more hopeful somehow, more positive. More like calling on a fairy godmother instead of an inner drill sergeant).