I shouldn't, but...

I'm contemplating (once I get this Sunday School lesson written, and believe me, I'm having a hard time) going out antiquing.

I shouldn't - I leave town Monday for vacation (an expensive "vacation" as I am going to meetings and meetings mean that the prices in the town get jacked up 25% for a "special conference rate." Thanks so much, people with generous expense accounts, for allowing the rest of us to get screwed).

I shouldn't spend the gas.

I shouldn't put the wear and tear on my car. (And it's going to be hot - over 100 - today, and they had a worry-making story on the news last night about how tire blowouts become more common in hot temperatures.)

I shouldn't go out to lunch - even though I want to - because I've not been eating all that well this week, and not been exercising as much, because it's been hot and humid and kind of miserable.

But. I've had a CRAPPY week. Any week that starts off with a death and winds up with someone telling you how much you suck is a bad week. This whole summer has been crappy - one friend had to have surgery (fortunately successful), another is having surgery next week. A friend of the family was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. Several people I know lost parents. Or spouses. Or brothers or sisters.

I can't even look at my TIAA-CREF statements, or my Vanguard IRA statements any more, because I feel like I'm throwing money down a rathole. Might as well spend it now, it's not going to be worth anything in 50 years. And hell, we might not even be here that much longer, if the asteroid slated to hit the earth in 2036 (just about the time I would be retiring) hits. Or if the nutjobs are right and the Large Hadron Collider creates a black hole when it's turned on, then we're all done for. No more worrying about retirement. No more worrying about trans fats, for that matter. (Arnold, you'd look pretty silly then.)

(You know, in the bleakest mood I was in this week, I actually muttered under my breath, "Maybe the collider WILL end the earth. And then God can start over again and maybe it won't go bad this time.")

So I don't know. I do know if I stay sitting here I will keep getting in a sourer and sourer mood, and I will begin to feel increasingly cabin fever-ish.

But on the (probably damn close to 100%) chance that the earth ISN'T ending, I also don't want to risk screwing up my car by going out and driving it in The Hot. And I don't really NEED anything...I have no real excuse to go and burn the gas and spend the afternoon wandering antique stores.

So I don't know. I wish there were places downtown I'd not been to so recently that I know what all their stock is. I wish that things were closer. I wish it weren't so hot. I'll probably wind up sitting at home reading instead.

I hate summer. I hate it so much. I'm wondering how many years I can take it here - whether I'd be able to even GET a job somewhere else (that's one of my big fears, that I'm not good enough to get another job if I want it, that this was just a lucky fluke, and I suck so badly that it's a real miracle I even got tenure). But if I knew I could, and I knew it wasn't going to be in a department staffed with crazed ego-heads, I'd start applying for jobs up North. Because the summers just make me crazy. I can't stand the heat and the humidity; I know that I'm not on as emotionally even a keel as I should be. I let stuff get to me that I could laugh off in the cooler months.