something I've learned...

I was listening to one of those radio call-in shows where the hosts have a topic and they get the opinions of their audience (and sometimes tell the audience member why they disagree with them). The topic was related to some new comedy coming out where a character - apparently, kind of a sleazy character - talks about "retards."

And there are groups set to protest this movie. They want the use of the words "retarded" or "retard" banned (or so say the radio hosts; I have not heard the original story so I don't know for sure).

And the hosts made an interesting point, one I realized I had come to realize myself but had not really articulated:

When people use "offensive" words in that kind of a situation, they're actually telling you more about THEMSELVES than the person about whom they are talking. One of the hosts pointed out that the movie character using the offensive word comes off as a 'stupid sleazebag' and that you dislike him all the more for the use of the word. In other words - that the movie is not specifically being demeaning to the mentally challenged; rather, it is showing the insensitivity of a particular character.

And I think unfortunately that's a shade of meaning that's often lost in today's world. (The hosts blamed it on people giving words more "power" than they actually have and people letting themselves feel like they're defined by what other people say).

Predictably, they got people calling in all incensed that they even dared SAY that the word shouldn't be banned outright - kind of proving their point, the people were very huffy and hurt and one of them pulled out the "but I have a mentally challenged child" credentials.

And you know, I sympathize. I know people who have children with various challenges. It's hard, and it's sometimes frustrating, and it can be exhausting to care for someone who has more needs than a typical child, and who may never grow up to be independent.

But the problem is, we cannot - nor should we try to - legislate other people's behavior by banning certain words. (Because once you start, where do you stop?)

But I thought about this, and my own experience - and one of the blessings of some level of maturity is that I am a lot less sensitive to what people may say to me when they're trying to insult me.

A simple example: take the word "bitch."

Originally meant as a simple descriptor for a female dog, now it has all kinds of shades of meaning - from a manipulative woman, to a screechy one, to one who is just mean.

I've also seen the word used when someone didn't get something they wanted, something they thought they were entitled to, from a woman.

Heck, I've been CALLED it by students who thought I should give them something (like extra credit) that I was either not empowered to do or that would conflict with my ethical principles if I did.

But the thing is - I know who I am. I am NOT a "bitch." I try very hard to be a nice person, a compassionate and kind person. If I have to be tough with someone, I am kind of apologetic about it, I kind of take the tack of, "I am sorry but I cannot do what you are asking and here are the reasons why."

So if a student uses that word to refer to me, I can kind of shrug and go, "Well, they're angry right now and that's why they're saying it." Or I can think, "Wow, it's kind of unwise for them to use that term with a professor." But I'm not really offended, because as I said, I know who I am and I know that word doesn't define me, and I've come to realize that there are times when people say something they might not really mean - or might regret when they think more coolly about it - because they're upset.

If someone were to use even harsher language (not that I've ever had it happen to me), my first thought would probably be, "Wow, that's really impolite of them" or "Gee, they must not be very well brought up to think it's appropriate to use a word like that in this context" rather than getting offended. (If someone were being truly abusive to my face, I'd probably see if I could politely send them away and ask them to come back when they could be civil.)

One thing the hosts talked about was the idea of giving the word power beyond what it has. I think my comment about not letting someone else "define" you fits in with that.

Another thought - my father has a saying he likes, that goes something like, "Freedom of speech is great in part because the a-holes self-identify." That is, because people aren't constrained by some rule about what words they can and cannot use, you can kind of hear who the real person is. So someone who uses rude slang terms to refer to members of certain groups - you kind of know where they're coming from. Someone who speaks disrespectfully of the people who work with them - you know where their head's at.

I do think when someone uses rude language to talk about people - like this mythical movie "retard" example - you learn more about the person that is saying the words, than about the person about whom they are talking.

For example - up above, I used the word "mentally challenged." I admit, I don't particularly like the phrase, it seems kind of mushy to me and it's long to type out. But the people I know who have kids with that condition, that's what they prefer people around them use. So that's what I use, out of respect for them. (And I don't know anything that's better and polite). I think a big part of it is learning to treat people as individuals rather than as groups - I know people who prefer to be called "Black," where there are others I know who want to be called "African-American." And I even once knew a man who said he thought "colored" was fine, because, "After all, that's what my skin is!"

Yeah, it took a little remembering to know what term (if one had to be used) was the preferred term for different people, but it wasn't a big deal. And I figured it did a little bit towards being kind to people, to respecting them. (Another thing I've learned - if someone is Native, you need to know what tribe or tribes they have affiliation with. I kind of knew that already but I've known a few people to use the wrong name and then shrug and go "whatever" when someone corrected them. I think that would be something like telling someone you were from New Hampshire and they kept saying you were from New York, and shrugging and going "whatever" when you corrected them - but even more so, when you're talking about someone's heritage).

I do think it's a fair and respectful thing to make an effort to use respectful language with other people. (And that includes not cursing around someone you know will be offended by it - despite my occasional f-bomb on the FFOT, I almost NEVER use harsh language in real life, preferring to err on the side of being too proper).

But I do think people are too quick to take offense - usually people who use "offensive" language are one of three things: either they are ignorant (in which case an explanation may help; I know when I've said something out of ignorance that offended someone, I was mortified to find out and would apologize them and promise to change in the future), or they don't really care, or they are deliberately trying to cause upset.

And there's not a lot you can do about someone who doesn't care. I've dealt with people like that; they think rather than bending themselves a bit to fit in with society, society should just part like a stream around them and let them do their thing. And that's fine, if you like people avoiding you.

But the people who are deliberately trying to cause upset - why give them that power? Why not just shrug and go, "They're badly brought up" or "They think they know how to insult me" and then ignore them - because if we can ignore the rude words, the person uttering them as a weapon loses. If we can avoid rising to the bait, we win.

Another example from my life: when I was a child, I was teased pretty harshly. Not as bad, I guess, as happens today, with text messaging and teenagers leaving malicious messages on answering machines (like, pretending to be a pregnancy clinic and leaving "positive" test results for the daughter of the household on an answering machine her parents would listen to). But I was treated harshly enough.

In a way, it was probably a valuable (if painful) education; first, I learned to be more compassionate. And second, I began to learn the lesson that sometimes people say unkind things that are not true.

I remember coming home from first grade (I think it was) in tears one day. Why? A group of the kids thought it was clever to start calling me "Retard" in the halls. (A common joke for them - yell out "Hey retard!" [or whatever insulting term] behind the target, and if the target turns around to see who is yelling, go "You know your name!" and laugh.)

And okay - when you are six, it does hurt. It hurts a hell of a lot.

But my mom reminded me of something (by way of trying to make me feel better) - that the kids were just yelling the word because it was a rude and hurtful word. She pointed out that first, it wasn't even true, because I was in the most advanced reading AND math groups in my class. And second - more importantly - that that was a rude word, a cruel word, and kind-hearted, polite people didn't use it, even if they were really referring to someone who had mental retardation.

And that kind of thing continued. I remember a bit later my mom looking the word "slut" up in all her dictionaries - because some kids on the bus had started calling me that. She wanted to know if there was some secondary meaning she was unaware of, because in her mind, her shy innocent nine-year-old (who had yet to even so much as hold hands with a boy) could in no way fit that description.

Her final conclusion - which she explained to me - was that the kids probably heard an older sibling using that term, they knew it was a rude thing to say, and so they used it without knowing its meaning. (I have no idea if that bit is actually true, but as I said - I had not even held hands with a boy at that point. Oh, I had boys who were FRIENDS, but not boy-friends, not in that way yet.)

And so I guess I kind of had a baptism by fire into the world of dealing with unkind people when I was a child. Perhaps it's made me stronger as an adult, and perhaps those many lessons (that other people's rude words don't define you, that people sometimes say things they don't really mean, that often people say nasty stuff because they think it makes them look better or feel better) have finally begun to sink in as an adult.

I admit I don't always do this "water off a duck's back" thing perfectly well - not getting offended or, more commonly for me, hurt, when someone says something nasty and untrue. But I'm getting better at it as time goes on.