Thursday, November 19, 2009

Having a hard time

Everything's hitting the fan right now. I have students in full-on freak-out mode because they just figured out that they won't pass. There's other stuff going on that I can't talk about here that isn't pleasant.

And I'm feeling my frequent sense of "no one cares, all I get is work heaped on my head, I do crap that's above and beyond what's expected and I never hear one word of thanks. Everyone takes me for granted."

And I don't know. Maybe just everything sucks right now. Maybe we're just going through some kind of times where everything is bad. But I just want to hear someone, once, say a gorram THANK YOU when I agree to accept their homework late. Or when I make an effort to get them a handout they missed. Or to fill out paperwork I really shouldn't have to fill out.

And because I'm a responsible person who actually gives a crap, whatever thankless task becomes my permanent job. And yet I don't hear thanks for it.

I was raised to thank people - to thank the waiter or waitress when he or she comes and refills your water glass. To thank the person at the drugstore for filling your prescription. Hearing the occasional "please" or "thank you" makes the day go so much easier, makes you feel that your work is actually valued and valuable.

I know, I know: we live in a post-civility society and I just need to suck it up and learn to live with only hearing feedback about how what I have done is inadequate.

But sometimes, doing stuff for people and having it totally taken for granted makes me want to cry. I feel like no one gives a flying flip, that if I were to die tomorrow the only way people would find out would be that the stuff they counted on me to get done wasn't getting done. "Hey, where's ricki? She OWES us stuff! Could she be slacking off?"

And then, I imagine they go to my house to demand why I'm not grinding away at my desk like always, and they find my rotting corpse. And then they ask, "OH no, who will we get to do the thankless tasks now."

And I realize that's unrealistic and very colored by my bad mood today, but seriously, that's sometimes how I feel. Like all I am is a cog in a machine to people. Like I don't matter as a person.

And I fantasize about other careers: maybe if I were an artist people would give a damn. Maybe I'd actually hear someone praise my work. Or maybe if I learned how to groom animals, and I took care of people's dogs and cats and horses for them, then I'd hear a "wow, you made her mane look so great! You got all the burrs out!" Or something.

But I realize realistically - there is probably no job on this Earth today where you hear thanks and appreciation. Everyone's a demanding special snowflake now who can only see what THEY want and what THEY think they deserve - other people are merely obstacles to them, or merely devices for providing them what they want.

I'm just P.O.d at the entire human race today.

1 comment:

nightfly said...

You've been reading your Lynne Truss books, haven't you? ;)

You've got our respect, Ricki, and not just for all the free, terrific writing here - you're one of the Good Guys™. Thanks.