hard sell

I've just concluded that the non-majors introductory biology class I teach is a hard sell. That anyone - the most exciting teacher in the world, the person who's an amalgam of Bill Nye and the Mythbusters guys and Dr. Ruth Westheimer and a little Carmen Elektra thrown in for sex appeal, probably couldn't elicit interest out of certain people.

That doesn't mean I am stopping trying. God forgive me, I cannot do otherwise. And you know, I still harbor, deep down, the belief that if I hit on the magic combination of words, just the right class activity, things will unlock for those who don't seem to be interested. And I let myself feel like a failure because I'm not finding that magical combination this semester.

Today is animal day. The characteristics of the different major animal groups with a segue into human physiology (the last section of the course and I should have been there 2 weeks ago, but I always get behind).

So I spent the morning running around the department, begging preserved animal specimins off of people. I have some of the "junkier" specimins - even though I value the class and all, I'm not going to drag the rare and fragile things out for a group that includes students who simply get up and leave when they decide they've had enough. I have a pigeon and a polecat and some fish and part of the extensive insect collection here. I wish we had some jellyfish and other stuff like that, but we don't teach a marine class (landlocked) and I guess those things are hard to preserve.

I've got all my "neat animal stories" loaded up (these are stories that illustrate some of the unique characteristics of each phylum, like the starfish tendency to regenerate arms when arms are lost). I've got tons of pictures.

And you know? If people seem bored or walk out today, I'm done. If animals can't pique some of the students' interest, that's it. I'm just so through with the post-adolescent "Must never show interest in anything because interest is uncool" directive.

Oh, don't get me wrong - there are probably at least 6 in that class (out of 28) who give a damn and who care and who look interested. But as much as I talk a good game about "teach to the ones who give a shit," I really can't. I let myself get too dragged down by the ones who don't. I guess I take too much personal responsibility - I wind up beating myself up, going "if you were cooler or more interesting or a better teacher, they'd be eating out of the palm of your hand. They'd care if you were any good." Intellectually I know that's not true - that there are some people you cannot reach no matter what you try - but I don't know when to stop trying. Or what to try next. Or when just to say "The six that care are the important ones and they will appreciate the goofy little mnemonics I make up to help them learn, they will like that I brought specimins in today."

See how I go back and forth? On one hand I'm blasting the people who sit there and mentally check out, or who leave class when they feel like there's not going to be anything worthy of their time going on, and on the other hand I'm frantically striving to find that magic thing that will make them decide it is worth their time.

it's exhausting. I had a dream a few nights ago where one of my students in class was turned around, talking, with the people behind him as I was doing a demonstration. Finally I snapped. (I only ever snap in my dreams, at least this far into the game. I hope that the dreams aren't portents of what is to come). I walked up to him, grabbed him by his shoulders, turned him to face front again. And then I started shaking him. Hard. I started telling him that he was failing the class, he needed to make some effort at paying attention, that I was fed up with people like him thinking that I'm just some kind of tv up there at the front of the class that he can tune out if he doesn't like the program. And as I was shaking him (my dreams are exhaustingly complex sometimes) I realized I was thinking "He's going to totally get me busted for assault. I'm probably going to go to jail for this and lose my job." And then I was like "Hell, damage done already" and I kept shaking him and yelling at him.

Then I woke up.

The sort of spooky thing is that the person is exactly someone from my class - not some random person, not Ethan Hawke or Keifer Sutherland or anyone else like that. And not an amalgam of more than one person. It was very clearly exactly someone from my class, and someone who's not paid attention in the past, someone who got a 35% on the last exam, someone who gets up and leaves early when he's done.

So I don't know.

I'm seriously considering asking my department chair to cycle me out of the non-majors class. Every semester I go in thinking "This will be fun! I have so many neat activities and demonstrations! The 'kids'* will love me!" And every time this semester I feel like I'm banging my head on a brick wall.

(* I call them "kids" even though some of them may be close to me in age if they're non-traditional students. However, the freshmen are half my age, so I think I'm justified in calling them kids. And besides...you act like a child, you get called a child.)

All my colleagues tell me, "It's not you, it's them. Kids today are horrible, they all expect to be entertained, only 10% or so know or care what it's like to work in college." And yet - I still feel like if I could just push a little harder, just be a little cheerfuller, maybe I'd unstick some of them and get them to care.

God help me, I cannot do otherwise.