wimp

Gah, I can be a big wimp sometimes.

One of my colleagues came to me - he has this student working with him. Or rather, who worked with him, past tense.

Student and colleague are about as far apart politically as possible.

I had heard a bit of this before but hadn't realized how bad it was.

Student says colleague "ignored" him and was rude to him - student says he wants a new advisor.

Colleague now says student is accusing him of being a terrorist-sympathizer and other things.

Both colleague and student have somewhat of a history of blowing things out of proportion, and colleague can get a bit paranoid.

Colleague asks if I want to read the accusatory e-mails student has sent him

And you know - no. I don't want to be involved with this. I don't want to be in some sad, soul-sucking little spiral of two people who can't get alone because one is D and one is R. I've seen far, far too much of that.

And that's why I NEVER discuss my political leanings at work. Never, never, never other than in the most general of terms. I think they know that I lean a bit libertarian in some ways, but I don't think anyone realizes I'm registered R (and I admit I'm not willing to let that news get out.)

But as he talked about it, I felt my eyes welling up. I hate conflict. I hate being called on to be some kind of a middle man.

So I wimped out. The peacemakers may be blessed, but they also hoe a long hard row to get there.

And I did start crying a little. Mainly because I am so f-ing fed up with the political infighting that acts as a wedge between people who should otherwise get along.

But also - because I was assuming that student had changed a lot recently. I had student in my classes and I liked him a lot - he was always nice to me, he was the kind of person who came back and thanked me for what he had learned. And you know, that counts A LOT with me.

And I kind of said, through a few tears: "Could mental illness be involved here? I've seen that when people's personalities seem to change sharply in a short period of time, there's something else going on."

Colleague said no, but was looking at me funny.

I kind of blurted out, "I saw something like that happen in my own family.....[well, in truth, it wasn't political. It was a personality change but it didn't involve political crap, but I didn't say that]." And then I dropped the big stupid bomb that I shouldn't have dropped but I was trying to justify my tears, which were mostly caused by the inability to deal with being in the middle of a fight between two people that I like and think highly of and don't want to see behaving like children on a playground. The big stupid bomb was this: "....and I saw it in my own family, and it led to suicide."

And, ok, that was a little bit of a lie. No, not the suicide part. I had a cousin take his life two years ago. And a lot of the family members who had been closer (geographically) to him than I was said he had changed in the months leading to the suicide. But not in the way my colleague was talking about.

So I feel kind of doubly bad - no, triply bad.

First, and worst - because I dragged my cousin's shade in as an excuse for my own weak tears. Second, because I cried in front of a colleague (and why the hell was I crying anyway? The stuff going on shouldn't have been a "crying offense"). And finally, because I totally wimped out and distanced myself from a situation - even claiming emotional weakness as an excuse - where I could probably have stepped in and done some good.

And you know? This is why I flipping hate politics. I hate what it's become. I hate how it's not justification to be rude to people who aren't "like" you politically - I don't mean the good-natured-ribbing kind of thing people sometimes do, I mean out-and-out rude, as in "I don't think I can work with you."

And it seems so much that it's no longer "I'm voting for X because he's honest and has a good platform" but rather "I'm voting for X because he belongs to my party, and if he's a crook or an idiot, I don't care and don't want to hear it" or, more often, "I'm voting against Y because he belongs to The Opposing Party."

I mean - there are enough things that separate us, God knows. Why should this thing - this thing that realistically touches so little of our everyday lives, when you get down to it - cast such a horrible shadow over human relationships?

So anyway, now colleague thinks I'm all traumatized and shit and I suppose he will probably think it was someone more important than a cousin that I lost and all that. And I feel really crappy for dragging T.'s memory into this. But whatever. Politics makes ugly beasts of us all, I guess, kind of like the old fairy tale where one of the sisters had toads come out of her mouth every time she opened it.


Update: (since I couldn't post this earlier when blogger pooped out): I went and apologized for going all emo on him when he asked a reasonable question. I told him the suicide was a cousin and it was 2 years ago and I shouldn't still be all weepy about it. But he thought it was a fairly normal response, old wounds and all. So that's cool. But I still don't want to be in the middle of this thing.