personal ad

Sheila has got an entry on the self-deprecating personal ads in the LRB.

As I am all about the self-deprecation, here is one if I were writing one:

"Convey social acceptability on me!

Thirty-something (closer to forty than to thirty if you must know the truth) very independent-minded spinster, unsure why she NEEDS a man save for the fact that she lives in the "family friendly" capital of the U.S. and therefore is viewed with pity, befuddlement, or even outright suspicion when others find she is "still single," seeks gentleman companion.

He should be a non-smoker, non-drug-taker, not given to political rants or conspiracy theory. It would be a plus if he appreciates good classical music but different musical preferences are not a deal-breaker unless he is involved with the rap or country "industries."

Arrogant, overly-sure-of-themselves men, especially those who mistreat waiters and shopgirls, will summarily be shown the door.

Hypochondriacs may apply only if they are of the amusing sort who can be coddled into an appearence of health with applications of homemade chicken soup and other sorts of fussing over. One thing I am good at is fussing over people, so if you are someone in need of fussing over, I may be your woman.

I am intelligent, perhaps too educated for my own good, bookish. I have my own comfortable income and would in fact be willing to provide some (not much) financial support for an artistic or literary type. I am a better-than-adequate cook and keep an adequately clean house save for exam week, when you are on your own, bucko. I am creative and a good conversationalist, however, I am also obsessed and consumed by several hobbies, including reading, antiquing, quiltmaking, knitting, crochet, embroidery, gardening (seasonally). It would be beneficial if the prospective gentleman had an all-consuming hobby himself, that he can pursue alone, for those times when I am in the middle of a creative storm and do not want to be bothered.

He must also be prepared to share a small house with approximately 6500 books. And he must be prepared NOT to make cracks when more books come to join the ones already in existence. The books are not negotiable. The books were here long before him and if things do not go as planned, the books will be here after he is gone

He should also be able to tolerate occassional black moods, instances of crankiness not directly traceable to organic cause, and miasmas of self-doubt on my part. He should be equipped to tell me - truthfully - that I am a good teacher, that my research is meaningful, that I am not wasting my life. He should also be able to tolerate periods of childlike glee, usually over something most adults would deem "stupid" (i.e., "There is a Harry Potter movie marathon on television this weekend and I have nothing else I have to be doing! I'm so there!").

In short: he must be even-tempered, temperate, meek, and not given to periods of anger. However, he must be able to tolerate and even embrace moodiness in all forms, strong opinion, and periods when I "don't feel like talking about it."