good enough/not good enough

First off: redfish, I kind of know what you're talking about. I have people call me up and go, "I'd like you to identify this plant I found." I tell them to bring me in a "good" sample of it - and they'll bring this twig, maybe with ONE leaf on it, but no flowers, no description of the height or habitat it grows in, and think I can magically tell them what it is from a leaf and part of a twig.

****

I was thinking this morning while doing my workout. I know I'm excessively good at laying guilt on myself (previously, it was "you're not working hard enough on research" type guilt; lately it's been more body-image type guilt).

I blame, in part, my habit of watching the news. And I also blame how the news has gone waaaaaaaay overboard (or so I think) on the War! On! Obesity! stories. (The latest being what pretty much amount to infomercials-on-the-news for either bariatric surgery or this new Alli stuff).

See, as I said before, I'm clinically overweight. In an ideal world, I'd probably weigh between 20 and 30 pounds less than I do. (Except I personally think - when I'm in a justifying sort of mood - that some of the "overweight" is muscle, thanks to my workout program. And losing weight isn't good if what you're losing is muscle). Up until just a few months ago, it didn't bother me that much. I could kind of roll my eyes and go, "Ah, ta hell wit' all that" when I'd hear some story about "OMG WTF Americans are like so obese." Because, you know? I'm not obese. And, you know? I don't eat at McDonald's and the other places that are generally held up as Targets of Blame in the whole situation (for that matter, I don't even really drink soda - I'm just not that fond of soda - I'd rather have a cup of tea). And, you know? I work out.

But the past few months, the drumbeat has become so insistent. Eat more vegetables. Lose more weight. If you're heavy, you're to blame for every single health issue that ever happens to you.

And I will admit there's a bit of paranoia in the whole thing for me - I've read stories of how in the UK, heavy people are denied certain medical procedures until and unless they lose weight. And I look at the possible D candidates, and I look at their likelihood of winning the White House, and I contemplate the world of having government-run healthcare - run by people who have private chefs and private trainers and who are "naturally" thin.

But the thing is: and I think this is something the media is far too good at - it is making a lot of us folks out here who are TRYING to do what is best for our health feel like what we are doing is not good enough. It is doing the old advertising trick of generating dissatisfaction - in this case, it's not dissatisfaction with the cars we drive or the brand of shoes we wear. It's dissatisfaction with OURSELVES. In some cases, with things about OURSELVES we may not be able to change.

(Quick question, show of hands: how many of you have heard someone in the last week exclaim, "I hate my body!")

Yeah, I thought so.

Because I've noticed myself taking that attitude more lately. I used to be more about, "Well, I'm bigger than the Madison Avenue standard - but I can lift 40 and even 50 pound bags of sand without a problem." or "But I can hike fifteen miles in a day if I need to." or "But I have the stamina to go five miles a day on a cross-country ski simulator."

But lately, I've been saying that to myself less and less. And it bugs me.

I've also found that I don't allow myself to enjoy things as much - I eat an oreo, and I think, my gosh, I shouldn't have done that. Or I look at my dinner and go, you should be cramming another serving of vegetables in there somewhere. Maybe you should dump that white rice. I also feel guilty on the days when I get up, start working out, but because it's 80* out and 75% humidity, I can't complete the hour without going into a near asthma-attack. Or on the mornings I sleep in because I slept badly the night before.

And dammit, I don't want to live this way.

I want to feel again like what I'm doing is good enough. Like taking an unscheduled day off from exercise once in a while is not a sin. Like it's okay to eat a meal without vegetables in it once in a while.

And I find myself wondering, as I hear the endless chain of news stories about how "fat bad! food bad! weight-loss surgery good!" what the motivation is.

Is someone receiving kickbacks from somewhere?

Is this an attempt to, by creating an unhealthy obsession with weight in the American public, maybe distract us from something else (like, perhaps, an erosion of rights: maybe we'll wake up ten years from now and find that there's a ten-day waiting period to buy a pound of butter? Or that grocery stores have been replaced by government "feeding centers" where people file in, are weighed, have their blood pressure and cholesterol checked, and then are given a ration of food that is supposedly tailored to their own particular health "issues"?)

Is it that people in the news media - which seems to ever more falling under the dominance of the entertainment industry - are being brainwashed into believing that fat is ugly, that no person over some magic (low) weight can be attractive or appealing or worthwhile, and they feel it's their duty to scare all of us into weight loss.

I don't know.

I do know...and here's a pre-emptive strike to stave off what someone might say:

To the person who would say to me, "Oh, just go on a diet already, lose the weight, and stop whining," I'd ask you: Have you ever been on one? Have you ever had a weight problem (And I mean - more than the five-pounds-so-you-look-good-in-a-swimsuit type of weight loss problem).

For some of us, it's not a simple matter to lose weight. I have BEEN on diets. I have done the "count every calorie of everything you eat in a day and try to keep it under 1250 calories diet." I've done the "no processed food of any kind, just food as God made it" diet. I've done the "no sweets, no processed flour, no meat, no full-fat cheese" diet. I also did various exercise programs - in particular, I remember, running up and down the six flights of "fire stairwell" stairs in my apartment building, with ankle weights on.

At the most, I'd lose about five pounds in a year.

And, while doing that, I'd be miserable - in some cases (especially that damn 1250 calorie a day thing I tried while I was in college) - cranky and weak.

And eventually, a few years ago, I said, "forget that mess" and went back to eating more or less normally. Now granted - I don't eat what I want. If I did, I'd eat fried chicken a lot more often. I'd eat pizza a lot more often. I'd eat salads a whole lot less often.

And I've read about setpoints, and about how some people's bodies just seem to be designed to be bigger than others. And even at my lowest adult weight, I was still in double-digit dress sizes - I don't think I could get down to the once-much-vaunted-and-now-considered-a-little-BIG-actually size 8. At least, not without starving myself.

So I don't know. I suppose the prescription is to ignore the news stories as much as possible (but again: that little paranoid feeling - what if my workplace institutes a mandatory "wellness" program, as some places have, where incentives [like not having to pay out the ass for health insurance] are linked only to a person's weight, and not to how they eat or how they exercise, or how they live].)

Honestly? What I'd like is this: I'd like a little credit given for the things I DO do to protect my health:

eating leafy greens
working out an hour a day (or as long as I can, if less than an hour, without going into respiratory arrest from the humidity) five days a week
flossing my teeth
wearing a seatbelt when I drive
not smoking
not tanning
limiting my consumption of foods (like cured meats) suspected to cause cancer
eating lots of fruit
limiting how much fried stuff and other high-fat food I eat.

But instead - it seems that the media version you hear is, "Nope, none of that is good enough; you must do MORE."

And, screw "more". I'm tired of "more." I want to go back to "enough."