clothes

I did some shopping yesterday. Most shopping, for me, winds up being an expedition, because I live in a small town that has a wal-mart and a Lowe's and a few other things, but not some of the things I want.

One of the things I wanted to do was replace some of the long-sleeved plain blouses I have. I try not to buy too many clothes, and I try to wear the stuff I have for a long time...some of the blouses I have now are going on 10 to 12 years. So for some of them, it was time - the cuffs and hem were getting tatty, the sleeves had "mystery stains" where some chemical from lab leaked through the sleeve of my lab coat.

So I went to a Kohl's. Now, in the past, Kohl's has been my go-to place for clothes - they have stuff that's not too expensive, but which is a cut above most discount stores. It used to be that when I needed something, I could find it there.

Kohl's has changed. (Mentioning the frustration I am going to document here in a phone call from my mom last night, she agreed that Kohl's had changed).

Now, granted: whenever I go shopping with a specific item in mind, it's likely to come to grief. I have very particular ideas of what I want in clothes, and very often, it seems that when I look at my wardrobe and go, "Oh, what I need here is a plain navy blue straight skirt" it will be the season where the designers have decreed the in colors to be citrus yellow, mauve, black, and sage, and navy blue is to be found nowhere. Or, the designers decree that it is the Year of the Broomstick Skirt (again) and there are no plain straight non-boho skirts to be found. Or it's all pantsuits. Or something.

So, setting out with an idea in mind means that there's already a strike against finding what I want.

Well, I was pretty disappointed in Kohl's. For one thing, the tops they had were mostly ugly. I mean, U-G-L-Y. The in colors: dark, dark purple. Weird burnt pumpkin. Mauve (seriously: wtf? Mauve?). Black. White.

Okay, those last two are pretty much a classic and a given...but when all the other colors look like an Emo kid puked on the subway...you need SOMETHING a little bright and happy.

Not one of the colors (the purple, pumpkin, or mauve) was one that would look good on any of the female complexions I know...certainly not good on pale Irish/German/Scots me, would not look good on my olive-skinned Italian friends, not good on the Black ladies I know, not even good on the Hispanic ladies or those with Native ancestry...I literally cannot think of a single skin tone those colors suit.

The other thing, a lot of the tops were just droopy - big droopy cowly necks, gathers in weird places. They looked sad and icky hanging on the rack, like they would transform any female body into something lumpen and ugly.

(I have to make an observation here: if this is the standard fashion for this fall, and the clothing stores start crying poor, that the bad economy is spanking them...well, it may not be entirely the bad economy. You bring out ugly clothes, women are less likely to buy them. ESPECIALLY if they're watching their dollars.

I like my clothing to be either professional and tailored or cute. Or, preferably, both. [and yes, it is possible for it to be both]. None of the things I saw were remotely close to either. It was almost like the designers were trying to express the sense of gloom about the economy and our general future that the media is promoting, only in clothing form.)

I DID find a few (like, three different styles in the WHOLE HONKING STORE) of the plain longsleeved cotton blouses.

But then I saw how they were sized:

S, M, L, or XL.

Ruh-roh. So what the designers have done, is taken women whose bust sizes (at the largest point) might range anywhere from 32" to 44" and thrown them into one of four bins. Not good. S, M, L, or XL might work for pajamas, or for something like a t-shirt where fit is not as important. But for a "work" blouse? No.

At any rate: I grabbed a couple Ls and a couple XLs and went to the fitting room.

Now, maybe the Obesity Police have gotten to Kohl's. That's one possible explanation. And they decided to make L "Loser" and XL "eXtra-Loser."

Because the blouses did not fit. Oh, they fit in SOME places but not in most places. The one that fit the best was all ugly and bulgy over the bust, and it pulled on the shoulders - I could not raise my arms without risking a She-Hulk maneuver.

And I put all the blouses back on the hangers. And felt very, very defeated. And began to wonder if the Ninja Fat had found me...because seriously, I don't remember not-fitting-into a misses' Large before.

So I walked out without buying anything.

I was headed back to my car, but then I saw the Lane Bryant farther down in the strip. And I decided to go in, even though it felt like a defeat.

(This is a not-very-nice thing about me, but I always used to say, "Well, I may be fat, but at least I don't have to shop in the plus-size stores.")

So I went to Lane Bryant.

As soon as I walked in, the three ladies there greeted me. (Now, granted, I was the only customer but). In Kohl's, I couldn't even FIND someone to ask for help, and on previous trips, when I did find someone, they either didn't know squat ("I'm sorry, this isn't my department" Then why are you hanging around the counter here?) or they didn't seem very interested in helping.

They asked what I was looking for and I explained. One of them showed me the choices (far more than Kohls, even though the entire store was smaller than the size of the misses' section alone at Kohl's). They went back in the back to try to find out if they had a 14/16 in a blouse that was only in 18/20s out on the racks.

One of them helped me find an alternate in my size when they didn't have that one.

So I took four blouses...including one that was on sale for $15...back to the fitting room. I was apprehensive because if they DIDN'T fit, then I'd really feel horrible, and I'd probably take it as a symbol that I need to DIET IMMEDIATELY and then go home and throw every piece of good tasting food I had into the trash. (Oh, it's happened before...)

I put one on.

It fit perfectly. No pulling through the shoulders. (That's a big issue with me - I have broad shoulders for a woman and often a blouse will fit everywhere BUT the shoulders). The sleeves were perfect. I could raise my arms in them. I could write on a chalkboard in them. I could reach up to grab the handle of the pull-down screen in the rooms where I teach in them.)

It also fit through both the waist and the bust. This is another issue with me - I have a much smaller waist than bustline. Unfortunately, many designers either do not recognize or do not care that there are some women shaped like that...and so to size up a blouse, they just cut the whole front bigger. And you're stuck with something that's either like a tent at the waist (where you maybe take it to a tailor and pay them to take the waist in...which is irritating, considering you had to buy the blouse in an ill-fitting state and then PAY more to have it fitted), or you settle for something that pulls across the bustline and gives the dreaded Gaposis.

But these blouses had the miracle of bust darts.

One thing I learned fast, back in the days when I actually had time to sew some of my own clothes, is that bust darts are very much my friend. They alter the topography of a blouse, converting it from something that is flat (and so, would best accommodate a woman with less than 3" different between her bust and her waist) to something that has a SHAPE to it, and can fit in both the waist and the bust.

So the blouses, aside from being comfortable on, looked GREAT. They fit where they were supposed to fit! They weren't too baggy (If I have to settle for either too baggy or too tight, I always go for "baggy."). They looked like a proper professional grown-up, instead of looking like "Daisy Duke prepares for her interview with Administaff."

So:

Kohl's: FAIL.
Lane Bryant: Full of win!

I'm going to try them when I need jeans, I think...though these days I tend to be closer to the "standard sizing" on the bottom than I am on the top and often don't have too much trouble finding jeans or pants that fit.

But seriously, Kohl's: WTF with your blouses? Why the horrible ugly colors that flatter no one? Why blouses designed to make women with chests cry and feel fat and ugly and rejected? I mean, it's not like the trend is for women to have tiny chests...to go back to the flapper days and have everyone wrap Ace Bandages around their ta-tas.

You may THINK it's 1929, but we're sure as hell not DRESSING like it is.

So anyway: Kohl's gets a big FAIL, as I said before.