Stuff...

(I hate when I can't come up with a good post title).

I was going to apologize for it being so long since I wrote a post, but I realized that chronologically, it's actually not been that long. It's just seemed really long to me because I've been so busy. I wrote two "simple" exams, and three "complicated" ones (take-home, computation-heavy exams, where they have to be essentially "equal" but have different problems on them - it's an attempt to circumvent cheating; I make sure to give different forms to the people in that class who are related to each other, and to the group of guys that are buddies - and, as one of the women in the class described them, "And they're hooligans...")

I also graded a lot of labor-intensive papers (they were journal article critiques.) And graded some other stuff.

The reason I did all this is that I have a couple of days off - we get a short break in the middle of October. I know some faculty grouse about how it cuts into what they're doing right now in class, but I NEEDED this break. I was getting to the point where I was beginning to feel like the "me" was disappearing - I actually grumbled, I think it was Tuesday morning, as I walked into my office in the dead pre-dawn dark (I still haven't forgiven Congress for extending Daylight Savings), that I could probably disappear of the earth, and the only time people would start going "Where's ricki? What happened to her?" would be when the stuff I take responsibility for started not getting done.

I go through cycles. For a while, I'll feel happy and productive and I won't mind the responsibilities. But then something will happen - in this case, it was a situation where someone assumed I'd be HAPPY to take on a certain responsibility on a certain day WITHOUT asking me first - even without checking to see if I wasn't already "spoken for" - and then I start to feel taken-advantage-of.

And I don't like feeling that way.

I'm not a confrontational person by nature but I did have a little heart-to-heart with that person about just "assuming" I'm free on weekend days because I don't have a family. (And that is something I hate with a white-hot passion: there are a few people, all of them long-married and most of them with several small kids, who seem to have come to believe that single people spend their weekend in some kind of despondent funk if they don't have someone to "rescue" them with an offer of work. Now, maybe some of the more extraverted people DO, I don't know, but I do know I NEED at least a few hours in peace and quiet and not around other people each weekend if I am going to make it through the next week.)

Anyway. On to the youth group stuff, just to clarify a little:

I do have one other helper who is always there. (I would never, ever work with kids without another adult present. Both for the "control" issues, and also, I hate to say this in this day and age, but for the "accountability" issues - while it's a little different for a woman than a man, still, being alone in a room with a kid that's not related to me - if that kid were ever to get funny ideas into his or her head - well, it could be a very bad situation. So I insist on having at least one other adult in the room, just to back me up if wild claims are made.)

She is fairly good at controlling the kids but I think she doesn't know what to do about Rude Boy either. He's the oldest kid in the group, he's completed high school (we don't have a college-age-and-other-young-adult group), and he thinks he's hot stuff. The younger kids look up to him and he doesn't quite seem to get that his behavior affects the group, so he should behave well whether he likes it or not. (Or maybe he does get it but revels in the attention).

Actually, it strikes me that the "whether you like it or not" is one of the fundamental rules of becoming an adult. I joke that I knew I was an adult when I started making my own dentist's appointments without being pushed to. Now, I HATE going to the dentist. HATE it. Even when it's just a checkup and cleaning. But I know it's better to have any problems taken care of early...so I make the darn appointments, whether I like it or not.

I'm the same way about saving money. I had some big expenses this summer. So, I'm scaling back and not buying some things I'd thought about buying. And I decided this morning to scale back enough that I could chunk $250 ($500 if I can manage it) more into my savings each month, to serve as a cushion against who-knows-what. Whether I like it or not. Because I know having a big savings account is preferable to not having one if something happens - like a couple years ago when the transmission died on my car - I was able to just take the couple grand out of savings and pay the guy to fix it - without needing to set up a payment plan or put it on my credit card and pay crazy interest on it.

But anyway. Back to Rude Boy. He's not grown up yet, and it makes it hard. Because in a lot of ways, a not-grown-up-yet 19 year old is harder to deal with than an immature 12 year old. At least a 12 year old you can say, "I'll just have to call your parents, then" and it actually has some traction.

Anyway. My co-leader said she'd put some pressure on Rude Boy and on the boy who invited him and see if either (a) Rude Boy expresses some willingness to shape up or (b) he really doesn't need to be with us.

I hate kicking someone out of Youth Group, but sometimes you have to do it. Sometimes people destroy the group dynamics.

It makes me wonder what Paul would have done. I know they had something akin to shunning (but not as severe) in the early Church. The motivator though was that the person would want to come back, would want to be a productive part of the group. And I don't get that vibe off of this guy. The vibe I get is that he's looking for an audience.

Anyway. I don't know. I'd love to get one of the men there to help but it seems like they're always busy, or they volunteer and then don't show up. (Does every group have problems with a few people who say they'll do something and then flake? That is such a foreign concept to me - I am far more inclined to say, "I really don't know if I can commit or not" or actually outright say, "I don't think I have time" and then either show up or call the person in charge right before the event and say, "I have time after all; do you still need me?" Interestingly, the answer is almost always "yes." And frankly, if you think you won't be able to show for something - or if you think you'll be "too tired" or "there was a game on" or something like that - DON'T COMMIT. Because some of us still take "I'll be there" literally.)

I don't know. Maybe I'm being too perfectionist about the whole thing. (That is usually a pretty good bet). People tell me that I'm doing a "good job." Maybe this is one of those things where showing up is most of the game, and they're just happy to have someone who hasn't run screaming the other way yet. (I know my plaint last week of, "If they could find someone who could do this better than me, I'd happily give it up" to the minister basically got the response of "I don't think there's anyone would could do it better than you." Oh, maybe there is, but I think my willingness to do this has got me the job for life.)

It may be that I just have to weather these few weeks - maybe we'll get some new kids, some people who will shift the group dynamics back to where I want them to be. Because I'm doing all I can...just like classes at school, the way this class goes isn't 100% on me. I can only control so much of it. The kids have to put something in to it. If they don't, I might as well be talking to the wall.

Maybe we need to have a talk about that. Maybe I need to see if I can find a few Bible verses that touch on the idea of "what you get out of a group/class is related to what you put into it." I wonder if the Jesus-and-the-fig-tree-that-won't-bear-fruit verses are too harsh for this situation?