afterwards...

I didn't cry. Lots of people around me were. I was fighting it but didn't give in. I nearly did during "Amazing Grace."

I am relieved it's over. Both for the sense of closure and for the sense of "I did what I needed to today." But, please Lord, no more funerals for a while, thanks?

Two thoughts:

1. I should probably make a will. I mean, I hope and plan on sticking around 60 more years or so, but you never know. The main thing that's held me off is that I have some stock holdings that my father looks after for me (they were inherited from his parents) and I've never wanted to totally come out and ask for the details on them (which I would need for a will) because I don't want my parents to freak out a little, me making a will.

My wishes are pretty simple, I think: Of the money/assets I have, I want half to go to my brother and sister-in-law (or, if this is waaay in the future, whichever one of them is still alive). Of the remaining half, half of that (1/4 of the total) will go to my parents (if they are still living) or if they choose to refuse (or if they predecease me) it will lump with the remainder which will be split equally between the prep school I attended (earmarked for their science department), the biology department of my grad school, and the biology department of where I teach now, and then a chunk to the church I belong to.

I'm not SUPER rich, but I have a fair amount of assets considering I'm 38. It would enrich those programs at least a little bit - buy a few more good microscopes or spectrophotometers. (I'd rather it go for equipment for student labs than some kind of scholarship with my name on it; I've spent too many years teaching in labs that had crap equipment and there was no money to buy new). And at church, it would pay for necessary tuckpointing or plaster repair or one of those things that always needs done but never has money to do.

For my "stuff" (furniture and that), I think I'd be happiest letting friends and family pick out anything they want to remember me by (hopefully that will not spawn any fights). The remainder - if there's yarn and fabric left, it should go to some school or art program where it can be used. Anything else of value should be sold and the money go into the four places I listed above. The books are to go to my university library to add to their collection, trade for stuff they need, or sell.

My house, I guess, would be sold, and the money pooled with my other monetary assets.

2. I need to get over my hatred of having my picture taken. One of the things they said at the funeral was that it was a family joke how badly this man photographed. (And I admit - the photos they showed, most of them he had kind of a deer-in-the-headlights look). But you know? That doesn't matter. It's a family joke - it's something people can remember and laugh over. And those photos really wouldn't be "him" if he looked otherwise.

And besides - how awful it would be for a family not to have photos of someone because they were either always behind the camera or because they always ducked out of the picture.

One thing death and funerals always does is it reminds me that there's important stuff and there's crap stuff. Crap stuff is stuff like feeling bad because you don't look beautiful in photographs. Crap stuff is getting irked at people you work with for silly idiosyncracies they have. Important stuff is appreciating the good stuff about people, and doing what you can to help them.

I can't always avoid giving into the crap stuff, but the older I get - and the more people I see departing this life - the more I strive to cling to the important stuff and let the crap stuff go.