funeral

My department chair's husband's funeral is this afternoon.

I don't WANT to go but I am going. (Does anybody WANT to go to a funeral?)

I know from experience I will feel better after it's over but right now I'm sort of sad and apprehensive. (It's a "manners" thing. I'm always afraid I'll commit some horrible faux pas that will offend people. I haven't been to many funerals in my life).

Everyone in the department is all dressed up. The men have ties on and the women either have dresses or nice pantsuits. (Do you know, it's kind of sad that that's what it takes to get us to dress up?).

I'm wearing what I've come to think of as my "funeral dress." I think it's the same one I wore to Mr. F.'s funeral about a month ago. And it's actually the one I bought for my grandmother's funeral. (The dress is very nearly 20 years old. Yes, it is. I bought it in 1989. But it's a classic style and was good quality and I've taken good care of it. So I can still wear it in 2007. It's navy blue with tiny white dots. Sort of a shirtwaist style with long sleeves and a wide belt and silver buttons. The fact that I can still fit into it - okay, the belt is perhaps a bit tighter than it was when I first bought it - is a small point of pride with me.)

One of my students this morning said, "Hey...you look really nice today, all dressed up!" and I thanked him but said that I wished it was for another reason that I was dressed up. And he said, "Oh...the funeral."

And one of my students left a message for me with a question but told me that she'd not be available for a while this afternoon, because of the funeral.

That's how everyone around here refers to it. "The funeral."

I guess it's part of being a grownup, isn't it: going to a funeral you'd really rather not go to because you know the family of the person being buried will appreciate having you there. Going because you know it's the right thing to do even if it's not the thing you want to do.

As I said, I'll feel some better when this is all over.

My heart still breaks for my department chair and her son.