un freaking believable

I had a student who "disappeared" earlier this semester (this is not the first time; in fact, this is the third time he enrolled in my class and stopped coming, and the second time for a colleague's class).

I had kind of written him off - deciding he was someone for whom college just didn't matter that much.

Well, I got an e-mail from him this morning.

He "really needs" to graduate with his B.S. this spring, because he has an opportunity that is too good to pass up. The reason he stopped coming to class was that he had an injury that required surgery.

His question to me was: can I make up the entire semester's class in the next two weeks? Or, in other words: could you write me three make-up exams, let me do some of the lab work on short notice, let me do the major paper (that is due in 6 days) and hand it in? And grade all that stuff for me? (And the implied request: and pass me).

I was pretty flummoxed by that request.

First off: if he had e-mailed me before he had to have the surgery - early in the semester - I could have worked something out. I could have probably had him take the class "over the internet" (not formally) by my e-mailing him some of the materials I use and the handouts. The exams could also have been spaced at a saner order.

Second of all: I am always a crispy critter by the end of exam week. I usually need to take a day and just go somewhere, somewhere AWAY, to get my mind to settle down after the last two weeks of school.

Here is what I have scheduled, starting today:

grade papers in my small class (which I really SHOULD be doing now, I just collected them)
grade exam I give in two hours
grade lab books for my small class which come in Monday "by 5 pm" I said, and the students tried to get me to push it back to Friday but I said No Way.
grade the major research papers in my big class (this takes three readings and copious commenting)
write and grade a test for my nonmajors class
write the three final exams (true; I do some question-recycling but as I covered some of the material differently this year the exams will need to reflect that)
work on my own research
do my usual volunteer work (Wednesday nights and also my women's-group duties)

and, in all of that, the usual laundry-keep the house hygienic-feed myself-pay the bills daily round.

So, sure - having to write and grade three make-up exams and a mess of make-up lab work will be NO PROBLEM! No problem at all! As long as you don't mind me being bald for my summer classes 'cos I've torn out my hair!

Well, I e-mailed him back right off. I didn't say some of the things I wanted to say...like, "this is like post-monarchic China: No Foo King way" or "Are you crazy" or even "A failure to plan ahead on your part does not constitute a crisis on my part" (I was beginning to calm down at that point).

I did say: no, I am sorry. I cannot do that. There is not enough time for me to do that. (I didn't say, though maybe I should have: I think your probability of success is so low that it is not worth my effort). I did tell him that the class he needed was one I teach in the summers, and he was free to enroll for the summer, but I suspect that that was not what he wanted.

I'm sure there's probably also something in the campus' Little Blue Book (the professor's handbook) that says we're not permitted to do that kind of thing (it's a fairness issue), but I didn't feel like going to try to find chapter and verse.

If he has a problem with it, he's welcome to take it up with my department chair. I'm sure she'll have some things to say to him.