People/castle

I guess this is shaping up to be a bit of a ranty week. Oh well.

One of the reasons why I think I work best alone - why I usually try to work it so I'm working alone on things - is that I just have problems with people.

That was brought home to me this week. I'm going to be deliberately unclear on details here, just on the random off-chance someone who knows me in real life reads this, so it's not too obvious to them what situation I'm talking about.

Anyway. I heard a rumor earlier this week. The rumor, if true, will likely lead to a bad situation - a minor sort of scandal, something the group involved in the rumor does not need.

If the rumor is false, the person who reported the rumor will probably lose her job.

My inclination is that the rumor is false, based on some other circumstantial evidence.

Anyway. The person who reported the rumor - who may have started it - is a person in a position of responsibility. If she loses her job, that position (which is not well-paid) goes unfilled. Likely another person - someone that I work with in a volunteer capacity - will be shifted into that job.

That is, if the person I work with doesn't leave altogether, as she is close to the person with the rumor. (I hope this is making sense).

If the person I work with leaves, I am left without any dependable help in one of my volunteer jobs.

At any rate, the short version of this is:

if rumor true: bad stuff happens for a group I am affiliated with
if rumor false: bad stuff doesn't happen for the group, but bad stuff probably happens for me.

The other upshot of the second possibility is that it's entirely likely - if there's leavings-in-a-huff, as I expect - will be that I get asked to take on even MORE responsibility than I already have.

And I was thinking about that, driving to work this morning. And I concluded there is only one response I can make:

"No, dammit."

No, dammit, because I'm already overextended. I'm spread so thin that there's no ME left for me at the end of the day. (One reason there've been no "fragments" for months - I haven't had time to think, let alone write). I have sewing and knitting projects stacked up but it takes me many months to complete anything, because I get maybe 3 hours a week of free time. And that is not enough.

If I keep going like this, I will get sick. That is not a threat, that is a statement of fact. And I don't mean "sick," like a cold. I mean "sick" like some kind of major thing - I've already developed more aches and pains this spring than I had in the past. And I believe our immune systems are to some extent affected by the external world, by the stuff we experience.

So I cannot do any more.

Other people need to step up if the situation I suspect comes to pass. Or we need to decide, as a group, that the volunteer work I am currently doing can go un-done.

Them's the choices, folks: I have help that I can rely on, or I don't do it. Because I can't do it alone. It's too big of a job.

I do have some other "help" - and I am sure people will point to that - but then I'm in the uncomfortable position of having to say, "Yes, but I cannot RELY on those people." Part of it is they have bosses that will call them in at odd times - or that will basically tell them, "you are doing overtime today" and leave them without a choice. Part of it is that there are five kids involved and it's not at all uncommon that at least one of those kids is sick. And then there's the bad old, "We were just too tired" excuse, which has been used more than once.

(That excuse maddens me. I am "too tired" a lot of the time. But I still do it. Because I know if I don't, it won't get done. Many weeks, "too tired" is the theme of my life.

I don't know. Maybe I'm just screwed up. But I was taught, growing up, that if you said you were going to do something, you were only allowed to beg off of it if (a) you were genuinely sick or (b) there was a Major Emergency that came up. And in both those cases, come hell or high water, you were to phone someone to let them know you wouldn't be there.)

The other thing is - and I wouldn't mind the unpredictable work schedules and such - but I never know if the folks are going to show up. I've asked for the courtesy of a phone call if they're not going to be there but that rarely happens.

So anyway. I'm waiting in hope and fear to see how this plays out. It's possible it's not as bad a situation as was presented and I'm really praying that that's the case. I did see the woman-who-spread-the-rumor crying and being comforted, the other night, apparently after being confronted with the issue, so I'm hoping it was maybe some kind of misunderstanding or SOMETHING. I don't know. I'm just really kind of worried about this.

So anyway: I do not understand people. I do not understand how someone could choose to pass on a rumor knowing that it would hurt a bunch of people. I'm assuming the person didn't realize the long term repercussions (for the whole volunteer structure) that I laid out above, but still.

I don't understand people. People frustrate and disappoint me. I expect grown-ups, especially grown-ups OLDER THAN I AM to act in ways that are, well, grown-up and reasonable. But they often do not.

So, after the whole situation progressed, I went home.

I watered my bean plants - it's been dry for a little while here and they needed it. I stood back in my quiet, private garden (it's all fenced in and surrounded by big trees; few people can see the garden back there. I tried to relax.

One of the reasons I live alone - and this is a BIG reason - is that in my adult life, I've never encountered anyone that I'd like to admit to my 'castle keep' so to speak. To me, my house (and by extension, the garden) is very private and very personal. It is where I go when I feel like the world's blowing up and I just need to be alone and not have to talk to anyone. (When I'm really upset or unhappy about something, that's how I get: I clam right up. I don't want to talk about it. I'm better at working it out, alone, in my mind, than I am trying to explain it to someone else - because other people have opinions and different points of view and they say or ask extraneous things that clutter up the order I'm trying to put stuff in in my mind. Later on, I may want to talk about the thing. But first, I need time to sort it out without having to try to make a situation clear for someone who wasn't involved in it. If that makes sense.)

I'm not even all that gung ho about inviting people to visit my house. Again, somehow it's that it's personal to me, it's like my shell, and letting other people in may let in their opinions and their advice and their prejudices and all that and it kind of clutters up my private place.

Yes, I sound very close-minded, no? It's not really that way - I'm not explaining it properly. I guess it's that I tend to be pretty credulous in my daily life - I'm not good at filtering, as I think I said before, other people's opinions and going, "Well, this one makes sense but that one is crap." I tend to let all of those competing opinions get into my head and they fight it out and it makes me tired.

And there's a hell of a lot of "advice" people offer (I talked about that some in the last post) that's just not all that useful, but it still gets under my skin and I find myself mentally going "no, dammit!" hours after the person said, "But my colorist is REALLY GOOD and she only charges $60 a session...let me give you her name."

I'm not good at excluding other people's opinions, even when I disagree with them. (Which is probably why I really sharply limit how much of the "talk radio" world I let into my head).

I also get overstimulated easily. I find that I sleep badly on evenings when I've been out for most of the evening, doubly so if there's been some kind of bad news or unpleasant situation. (I did not sleep well after the whole rumor-meeting-fallout-thing. I'm still tired today.) I have a hard enough time telling my mind to shut up on a normal "calm" night.

So at any rate - I need my space and my peace and my quiet. And that's what I try to explain to the women who go all pity-faced when they find out that I'm single and live alone. No, dammit. I like it. I like being able to lock the door on the outside world (and even take the phone off the hook if I feel like it) and have at least a few minutes when no one "needs" me for anything.

Anyway. I worked in my garden for a while, and then I came around to the front of the house. FedEx had been while I was out in the garden and dropped off a package from Amazon for me.

Dear sweet Amazon. Amazon, that has never disappointed me or let me down.

About a month ago, I decided to spring for the "Prime" option - for $80, I get free 2nd day FedEx delivery on any books, CDs, or dvds I order for a year. It is lovely.

Oh, I know. Some of you would call that profligate and an unnecessary expense. And you could make a reasonable argument that it is. And you could argue that I will be even more tempted to order stuff because I have the free shipping deal. And you could argue that it's wasteful of resources - all those cardboard boxes, all those books made of paper.

And you know? If you're thinking any of that, shut up. Just shut up. I have few enough joys and comforts in my life these days. It is an absolute joy to decide I want a book - say, perhaps, I see someone interviewed on Book TV and I decide I want to read what they've written - and then, two days later, have it show up on my doorstep. (You must understand: I live in the Town Without Bookstores. The nearest bookstore to me is a 1/2 hour drive - one-way - and it's one of those chain-type bookstores that makes most of its profits off of the coffee and tchotckes it sells, so they often don't have the older or more obscure books I'm looking for.)

So anyway. I took up my package (two of the Albert Campion mystery/adventure novels: Golden Age British mysteries are my "comfort reading") and went back in the house. And locked the door on the outside world.

(And how much harder it would be to relax, I think, if I had had a couple kids to get ready for bed. Or a husband wanting to tell me about his day. Or a housemate telling me, "We're almost out of t.p., when are you going to go get more?" Oh, I know - kids can be a delight, spouses can help you carry the load, even housemates can be wonderful. But sometimes, for me, the greatest gift I can be given is to be able to lock the rest of humanity OUT and have it be quiet - and not have to talk to anyone.)

(ETA: just to prove I still have a little sense of humor, this is how I feel about the whole rumor-situation:)