not angry

I haven't lately talked about politics much on here. I think it's because I'm coming to such a strong distaste for political discourse that I'd rather escape and talk about other stuff.

I was reminded of this this afternoon. In the building where I work, all our offices are down one long hall. You can hear what other people are saying in their offices, if they are talking at all loudly if they have their doors open.

And a couple of my colleagues were talking. About how bad off the country was, how the wal-mart-ization of our nation was proceeding apace, how soon there'd be limitations on what you could say or write, how the economy was screwed and everyone was gonna die, etc., etc.

And you know? Not really my experience. Sure, we have some problems. Every nation does. A lot of people are having money problems right now and I sympathize with them - especially with those who got there through no fault of their own (job losses or whatever). Hell, I even sympathize with the people who spent like fools and are now in serious debt. I'm not gonna help 'em out, but I feel for them.

But you know? I'm not doing badly at all. I have a good job. I get an easily-live-on-able paycheck at the end of each month. Granted, I'm frugal, I don't go on fancy vacations or eat out very much or drive a very new car or have an iPod or an iPhone. I don't spend much on clothes - it's an unusual month I spend $100 on stuff to wear. But I do okay. And I'm happy. I have enough money to put some away for the future, enough to buy my spinach and Laughing Cow Lite! cheese and tomato soup and canned beans. I have enough to buy a book if I see one that I want. I don't feel too pinched by my digital cable and home internet subscription.

So I can't really feel anger on my own behalf at how the economy's going. I can't feel - and think it would be wrong to feel - that I am somehow being personally cheated in all of this. I'm grateful for my career - as I said, it pays well. And moreover, it's interesting. I do something a little different every day. And I have a certain level of security - tenure means that something would have to go seriously wrong for me to be let go, and that seriously-wrong would almost certainly be something I'd see coming far down the road. (And even if it weren't? I have some savings. And if worse came to worse, my parents would take me back in. Or my brother and sister in law would take me in. People have got my back even if my back doesn't need getting right now).

So for me, feeling angry about what's going on...well, it seems kind of wasteful. Like I'd be getting my blood pressure up for no good reason. One thing I think I need to work on, considering that my dad has an arrhythmia and high blood pressure, and my younger brother was briefly on blood pressure meds before he quit a job he hated, is to limit things that unnecessarily stress or upset me, that screw with my heart and vascular system. I need to work on NOT screaming "*sshole! *sshole! *sshole!" in my car at the guy who is taking too long to park at the wal-mart. I need to work on letting go, on shrugging and saying, "So I'll be 5 minutes later getting home, big whoop."

Anger can be a useful emotion but only when it motivates you to fix something that's wrong or to correct some injustice. Getting angry because one of the teachers at your kids' school is unfair and being a jerk to your kid, so you then go have a conference with the teacher and iron things out - that's useful. Getting angry because you see someone mistreating horses in your neighborhood and calling Animal Welfare on them and getting the horses moved to a better place to live - that's useful.

But it seems to me sitting around bitching about the state of the nation - when you're not going to actually do anything (and I'd say there's little we can do, concretely, about the state of the nation) is kind of useless. I'd rather go out and pick up trash in my neighborhood because at least I can drive down the street the next day and feel good because I made the street cleaner than it was.

I think that's maybe fundamentally it for me: I'd rather feel good than feel bad. I'd rather do something, even something small, than talk about what's wrong. I'd rather feel like I can do something, anything, to make things better - even if it's a tiny little thing like picking up trash on my street. The big bad stuff I can't really do much about (other than, you know, pray) I just generally don't let affect me. (I really honestly don't worry that much about Iran getting the bomb. There's nothing I can do other than voting for the person I think is most likely to be tough with them and not let them bully their neighbors).

Maybe I'm being stupid. I don't know. I do know it seems that some of my friends are going around awfully beaten down, awfully angry, awfully upset over things they have little control over. And it makes me not want to associate with them when they're in that mood, because it rubs off on me. I don't like walking around feeling paranoid. Feeling like "they're out to get me." Feeling like nothing I can do ever will improve anything because everything is so screwed up so hopelessly that it will never be RIGHT again.

Another, very campus-specific form of this pessimism I hear is this: "The students we get are lazy/unprepared/stupid and it's only getting worse. Woe is us! In five years they won't even be able to read any more!" I don't THINK that's true. And even if it is, there's not a heck of a lot I can do about it. I'd rather focus on the funny kind smart students I have, teach to them, and tell myself "Ever since Aristotle people have been complaining about the up and coming generation being the end of civilization and it's not happened yet; it probably won't happen this generation."

Maybe I'm being delusional but it gets me through the day. I'd rather look for the bright side than always be in DOOOM and GLOOOOM mode.

So maybe I do kind of withdraw a little. I'd rather spend my time laughing at the peregrinations of the Pickwick Club, or flipping through my quilting books going "I want to make that one next! No, I want to make THAT one next!" or working on my garden or writing a research paper or trying to come up with some new way to make what I'm teaching interesting to the students.