Something I need to hear

My pastor describes himself as a "lectionary pastor" (I'm not totally sure which one he follows; there are a couple of slightly different lectionaries - the Catholics have one, and the Anglican one is slightly different, and the Lutheran one is different still).

I like that he does that. Part of it is that it's organized - and I like organization. But part of it is - as he said himself, several weeks ago - that lectionaries can be more challenging. You are confronted with passages that sometimes you might rather "blip" over and go on to something warmer and fuzzier.

Well, his sermon this Sunday wasn't warm and fuzzy. And it was something I wrestle with on a regular basis - something I know intellectually I should deal with, something I know intellectually that is right, but emotionally I find difficult.

The passage he used was this:

(Luke 17: 5-10)

5The apostles said to the Lord, “Increase our faith!” 6The Lord replied, “If you had faith the size of a mustard seed, you could say to this mulberry tree, ‘Be uprooted and planted in the sea,’ and it would obey you. 7“Who among you would say to your slave who has just come in from plowing or tending sheep in the field, ‘Come here at once and take your place at the table’? 8Would you not rather say to him, ‘Prepare supper for me, put on your apron and serve me while I eat and drink; later you may eat and drink’? 9Do you thank the slave for doing what was commanded? 10So you also, when you have done all that you were ordered to do, say, ‘We are worthless slaves; we have done only what we ought to have done!’”

The bolded part is what he concentrated on, and what I found so striking.

Because, see, I'm a person who likes to be thanked. I like recognition for what I've done. And on some level I know, yeah, I'm just doing my job and that should be good enough - and I should (and I do) take a certain pride in doing the job (whatever it is) well FOR THE SAKE OF DOING IT WELL, still, I tend to get cranky when I go too long without hearing positive reinforcement.

Case in point: there was an on-campus duty this weekend. Now, one of us was supposed to be there. I was (apparently) the only one free. So I did it. It was okay - it was not bad or anything, it's just taking a timespan from about 10 am until noon kind of shoots your Saturday from being able to do much else.

And I kind of griped about it to myself ahead of time: "They should be grateful - GRATEFUL - I'm taking this on, that I was a big enough sap to volunteer."

I griped about it to my dad, observing that a record small number of people had signed up for the thing I was doing, and so my department would probably see zero benefit.

"But," my dad pointed out to me, quietly, "you are doing the right thing."

Dang it, he was right.

And you know, Sunday morning, when the pastor talked about how people really shouldn't expect gratitude for doing what they're supposed to do (He updated the "slave" example by pointing out: "Do you expect a letter of thanks when you pay your bills?" making the point that there are a lot of things people do that is expected of them, that is necessary for society to work normally, and we should not expect thanks when we do those things).

And you know...when the shoe is on the other foot, I get irked. How many times have I complained about students who come to class on a day when "no one's" there and ask me for bonus points because they showed up?

Well, my wanting to be thanked for things I should probably be doing anyway is my version of that. And I know it's something I need to work on - I tend to crave recognition, I think because I was at the very beginning of the "self-esteem" generation (But I didn't get it as badly as some) and also because I was a high achiever all through school, and you do kind of get used to getting those gold stars or A plusses.

And that's a hard lesson of adulthood - that sometimes you have to be the one to give yourself a gold star because no one else really cares, because you're just doing your job. Sometimes, on my better weeks, I can tell myself, "If no one's complaining, that means you're doing well." Because in my experience that's when you hear from people - when something's wrong.

I also admit to a certain jealousy...I do craft stuff, I have a flickr page of stuff I've made, I have a few patterns I've written floating around the web...and yet, the people who get interviewed on the Craft blog, some of whom are doing stuff that I tend to think is uglier or sillier than what I do, they get all this love and all this attention (or what I perceive as such). Some of them get book deals. And I have to admit, it's sort of an ugly little part of my personality, I read those things, and I'm jealous. I think, "I wish *I* had a book deal. I wish *I* had thousands of people clamoring to read what I think, who want to know my thoughts and my opinions."

(Hence the blog. I may not be getting paid for it, I may only have a handful of readers, but it does satisfy that basic ego-need to talk about what I think with someone that I can't SEE when their eyes start to glaze over or when they begin checking their cell phone to see if they've got any messages).

And you know? I think that's a fundamental human desire, the desire for recognition. But I do think it's in conflict with the idea of service - you can't serve with a happy heart if you're always needing to be thanked, because people being what they are, they don't always thank others.

And I also think there is something about the desire to be loved and important and popular amongst your peers that tends to go against the idea of doing jobs because they need to be done. Because who is going to volunteer to sweep the floor, if no one sees that it's clean, and if it just gets dirty again?

(One of the things I am doing with the Youth Group is requiring them to help clean up after dinner. Several of the kids have pointed out that a lot of the mess they clean up is from the day care that meets several hours before we do, and I just observe to them that life isn't fair, and sometimes it's necessary to clean up after other people. And yes, I do my share of cleaning up, too. I don't think it's right for the teachers to stand back and make the kids work without pitching in themselves).

One of the things I have to work on with myself is that laboring in obscurity isn't really laboring in obscurity, in the cosmic sense - that everything everyone does to help others, or increase the balance of love in the universe, or serve God, or do good in whatever way they can - does add to the good of the universe, even if no one ever sees it.

Another story about my father - about a year ago, the church he belongs to had a ceremony for "honored servants" - people who have provided lots of service over the years. My father's been on just about every committee the congregation has (and head of several), for a number of years he was the Head Elder (which is not a fun job; it's a lot of responsibility without really any benefits. And you have to make the schedules, which means people come and complain to you for putting them on duty when they want to be out of town). So he was one of the "honored servants."

And my dad was kind of opposed to this. He said: I am just doing what everyone should do.

And yet, at the same time - very few people actually DO what they "should" do, at least in the sense my dad meant it.

He somewhat-embarrassedly accepted the plaque they made up, and stood up at the front of the church with the other honorees, but I don't think he was comfortable with it.

And you know, that's an attitude I need to develop - the attitude of "just doin' my job" when someone comments on how hard I'm working or something.

I mean, I guess I'll still feel secretly pleased ("someone noticed!") but I need to work on not trying to seek that out, and especially on not feeling bad when people DON'T notice.