adulthood and reality

Something I've been thinking about for a couple of days...

Ann Althouse commented on a New York Times story about career women who are wives and mothers, and how the story is yet another one of those "I tried to 'have it all' and my life still isn't perfect" stories that makes you wonder (or makes ME wonder, at least) why on earth they run such a thing.

I mean - I can see how someone in some other part of the world (like, say, one of our soldiers fighting in Iraq) might see it: rich American woman with healthy family, living in safety, even has a housekeeper, can't be happy because her house isn't as clean as she'd like it to be or because she's not a famous researcher.

And yeah, I get the idea of dysphoria and depression. I get that some people, outwardly "should" be happy and they aren't. And it's hard for their families and hard for them. But it's not a newsworthy thing - not in the sense of "this is some big sociological problem in the U.S." If anything, it's more a story of a personal, or, perhaps, medical nature - it may well be some of the discontented women have some kind of underlying neurotransmitter imbalance that could be improved by meds or talk-therapy. Or, hell, if they're so dissatisfied, they can make a change. This isn't Saudi Arabia or the Sudan - if you're a woman and you're not happy in your marriage you can get out. Or if you're not happy staying at home all day you can get a job. Or if you hate your job, you can try for a different one. Or start making art. Or something. Just sitting around and complaining to a reporter doesn't really solve much.

Heh. One of the commenters there talked about "finding the cloud around the silver lining." And yeah, I've had my share of days when I've walked around going, "I have every reason to be happy but I'm just not feeling it." But to me, that's not a usual state of being. (And if it were - I'd be seeking some kind of professional help.)

But, you know? Not having everything just exactly the way you want it to be? That's pretty much the state of being a grown-up, isn't it? (Probably also the state of being a child, but I'm talking not of children vs. grown-ups here, but of people who are stuck in an adolescent ideology vs. people who are more grown up). Complaining that everything isn't super-extra-wonderful-perfect is kind of an adolescent trait; shrugging, saying "sometimes things are just that way" and getting down to work seems to me to be more of an adult trait.

Work isn't always wonderful and happy.
Families aren't always harmonious.
The house isn't always clean.
There isn't always time to pursue interests or hobbies.
Stuff you try out doesn't always succeed.

That's just the way it is. Sure, it sucks, but it's how life is. That's why we call this existence "life," and not "Heaven."

There are a lot of things I'd love to have - I'd like, for example, to be a more well-known researcher than I am. (I have a few small articles published, mostly in not-very-widely-circulated journals). I'd love to have more of a social life (despite the rather shallow dating pool here). I'd love to have really nicely done gardens and landscaping.

Hell, I'd love to have an adoring husband and wonderful children. But I don't. Just because I want something doesn't mean I get it, or even that I deserve it.

So you do what you can with what you have.

But. You can't maximize everything.

I'm an ecologist, and one of the first principles of ecology is that life consists of a series of trade-offs. For example: imagine you are designing a bird species. This bird will have, most years, a set amount of energy it can give to laying eggs. Do you have it lay one big egg, with lots of nourishment for the developing chick, or many small eggs, with less nourishment in each? Depending on the situation, the one-big-egg might do better, but in other situations (like, if survival of the chicks once they leave the nest is kind of up to chance), the many-small-eggs might be a better strategy.

However, the bird canNOT have many large eggs - there just are not available resources.

It is the same with people and time.

I realized a long time ago I could be a more gung-ho researcher than I am, but I'd have to give something up - I'd either have to neglect my teaching, which feels wrong to me (but I know many in academia use that as the path to follow). I am paid to teach. It is my calling. So slacking on the teaching is not an option.

I could also be more of a go-getter if I was willing to work on research nights and weekends - if I gave up what little social life I have, if I stopped reading books and knitting and making quilts and all of that other stuff (and I will admit, when I'm in one of those "I suck" modes of thinking, that's what I think: "You are wasting your time by having all those dumb hobbies. You should give away all your supplies and do only research in your free time." Except, I know that that would make me a less-happy and less well-rounded person in the long run. And also, you know? Life is short. There's something to be said for doing things that make us happy once in a while, even if they don't earn us any material gain or fleeting fame.)

What does get slacked on a bit is housecleaning and yardwork. Oh, I could have a perfect pristine lawn, if I gave up my other hobbies. Or if I hired someone (but, then again - hiring people to work and actually getting them to work in this town can itself constitute another time-drain not unlike having an additional hobby).

So I do what I can when I can. Every couple of weeks I do an intensive cleaning, but between times I just take a couple minutes here and there and sweep or wash countertops as needed and try not to worry too much. (And I've perfected the art of getting my living room, dining room, and kitchen - the three rooms that most people coming over see - presentable within 20 minutes, just in case someone calls and says, "oh, hey, can I drop by for a moment.") My house is hygienic, it's just not operating-room-sterile. And there may be more paper and clutter around than some people like. Eh. I'd rather have the time to read and a slightly messy house.

I do think some people - particularly the (apparently) "society" women that are described in the article need to relax a little about housecleaning. (Especially in light of recent research that says that kids that grow up in TOO clean and sterile of an environment may be more prone to developing allergies or asthma - because, apparently, their immune systems don't learn to tell "safe dirt" from "dangerous dirt," because there's never any dirt around)

The complaint that they're tired and they've had to sacrifice - really, how is that different from anyone else who's a responsible grown-up? I'm tired an awful lot of the time. There are many evenings when I'm out doing volunteer work when I'd really and truly honestly rather be tucked up on my sofa with a good book or something on the telly.

My students are tired an awful lot of the time. I have students who are single parents of young children. I have students whose spouses are deployed in Iraq or Afghanistan, meaning that not only are they essentially "single" parents, they have that added level of worry. I have students who are caring for an elderly parent or a severely disabled sibling. I'm sure all of them would wish that things were other than they are.

But - they soldier on. I've seen some pretty amazing stories of people dealing with adversity. The secret is instead of feeling put-upon about it, you kind of straighten your shoulders and do the old stiff-upper-lip thing, and you just go. You just do it.

(Honestly - some days I wonder how we'd survive another WWII situation - where there was rationing and limits and deprivations. Or, even worse, like Battle of Britain WWII where people were in real, mortal danger, and things happened like children being shipped off into the countryside without their parents to keep them [hopefully] safer from harm. I tend to think that most of Generation X - and I don't say this lightly because it's the generation to which I belong - would lie down and die if faced with that kind of situation.)

I don't know. I don't want to come off as TOTALLY unsympathetic - I do ascribe to the old Plato maxim about being kind because everyone is shouldering a heavier load - but it just seems to me that there's plenty of misery to go 'round, and that what the women quoted in the article are experiencing is either not all that unusual, or, in some cases, largely a product of their own unrealistic expectations.

(And incidentally: the whole tenure-track thing the woman was complaining about? Not sure how it fits in. Yeah, tenure is nice but it's not like some kind of magic key that makes your life super-wonderful. And yeah, it's more work - you have to be sure to get research out there and give presentations and serve on committees and stuff, but - the husbands do that. I mean, it's hard - but it's not IMPOSSIBLE hard, and I don't think it's harder for a woman than it is for a man. I know plenty women with kids (some with babies even) who got tenure. I think her complaint is kind of a red herring there. Tenure really isn't the prestige-thing it's made off to be. Basically, it's a vote of confidence, a "you're doing okay, now keep going the same way." It's not like some kind of super-Ph.D.

And frankly - I work harder after getting tenure than I did before. More is expected of tenured faculty. That's probably the way it should be, but I honestly think for that one woman, tenure is not the solution to her problems that she seems to think it is.)

So anyway. I realize the irony of my just spilling I-don't-want-to-count-how-many words of personal blather commenting about the seemingly empty complaints of some woman who appears to "have it all" but still thinks she could have more. And I admit I do my fare share of complaining about stuff, but I also try to keep in mind that there's good stuff, too.

You know? My life is far from perfect. But it's a lot better than it could be. Maybe it just comes down to looking at the glass and going, well, you could say it's half empty or half full, so I'll say it's half full. Or accepting that it's half empty, but not feeling the need to have a newspaper article written about that state.

(Of course, you are an engineer, you would simply say that too large of a container was chosen for the liquid involved in the project.)