serious and sad

I have to be serious today. Part of this is to vent but part of it is just asking advice, or maybe support, or I don't know what.

Some of you know that I'm a co-leader of the Youth Group at my church. This is kind of a challenge because I don't have kids, have never worked with kids, and a lot of the time feel like I'm making it up as I go along.

I thought I was doing pretty well - lots of people were telling me that I was doing a good job, that the kids were learning a lot. We even had a Youth Sunday last fall where the kids did all the serving and that was well-received.

Well, somehow, things have changed. I don't know if this is some kind of resentment or frustration or something a few people had that has been coming to the fore (because this is the first I've heard of problems), or if there's an agitator somewhere, or what.

I am also an Elder in the church, and there was a "special" meeting called for this afternoon after church. I wondered about it at first, then figured it had to do with the plans to start some kind of adult version of a pastor's class, as we've had a lot of adults join the church in the recent months.

I was wrong. And I really wish someone had given me a heads-up.

The meeting was, "What shall we do about the youth group?"

A couple weeks ago, there were some minor acts of vandalism (they were repairable - unnecessary but repairable) and were committed mainly by someone who has been disinvited back.

But the feeling I got was two-fold:

First: should we just give up on this and start again in a few years

and second, and strongest: "We don't have kids of sufficient quality in the youth group."

And I don't know how to respond to that. Yes, we have a lot of kids from broken homes. We have kids from tough family situations. We have one kid who's on fairly heavy-duty meds. And I thought we were doing reasonably well with them.


But I guess they're not the "kind" of people that some members think will make "good" future members, or something. That's the sense I got.

And you know? I'm not looking towards, "will these kids grow up and join our congregation?" In fact, I'm expecting at least some of them won't - they'll move away for jobs or college or because they go into the military. What I'm trying to do is introduce them to God and God's teachings now, so whereever they end up in the future, they'll have that as a base.

But I guess a lot of people have been complaining to the minister. And, in the name of shielding me, he never passed on those complaints until they got severe.

And so now I'm faced with an unattractive prospect - either dump the program (and doubtless have some people believe I quit in a fit of pique or some other bad reason) or keep going, knowing that there are at least some people who think it would be wiser to pull the plug.

I cried a lot during the meeting. I could not help it. Part of it is that I feel like I am doing my absolute damnedest to make this work, and I've frankly done pretty well (some of the complaints have been about things like, "Their athletic shoes leave black scuff marks on the tile that have to be rubbed out. Can't you ask them to wear other shoes?" Considering that some of these kids might have but one pair of shoes, no. And even if they aren't in that situation, I'm not going to micromanage to that degree. I will admit there have been weeks after hearing that complaint where I ran around with a dry sponge after youth group and tried to clean up all the scuffs).

But now I feel like I've reached the point where there's enough non-support that I don't know what to do. I pointed out that it was me and one other woman running the group - every other helper we've had has either flaked out on us, or has had a change at work where they can no longer come and work. And oftentimes the largest complainers are the ones who never set foot in the church outside of Sunday morning.

And part of it is, frankly, stuff that's my own "stuff." I'm a perfectionist. When I hear less than a perfect report, I assume it's some kind of a failure on my part - if the kids respected me more, this wouldn't have happened. If my lessons were more interesting, things would be different. If I had more of a charismatic personality, maybe I'd attract some of the "right" kids. I don't know.

And on the other hand, I'm frustrated with the perception of "we want the 'right' kind of kids." Isn't the church more a hospital of sinners than a museum of saints? That's my objection right there. It's NOT the "good" kids that need us so much as the kids in tough circumstances, who maybe have been given up on at home or at school - and dammit, I'm NOT willing to give up on these kids. I'm not willing to write them off as "bad." Sure, they have problems - but I've also seen flashes of insight and real love and kindness come from them.

And that's really what I object to about the idea of pulling the plug. Because it's all tied up, in part, with the sense that I've failed...that I've failed to control things well enough, that I've failed the kids. But I also think if we end the program, it sends the message: here's another group of people who's giving up on you, who says you're not worthy.

Oh, I've read the kids the riot act. My co-leader and I really laid it down last week. (In fact, one of the kids I suspected of the vandalism - the other suspect was not there and he may not be returning - came and apologized to us afterwards). We told the kids that we need to be twice as good as people expect us to be, because many people seem to think we're only half as good as we actually are.

So after trying to deal with it - and feeling that I HAD "dealt with it" last week, it hurt to have it brought up again. Especially hurt in the middle of a group of people where I'm by far the junior, where I sometimes feel like I have to be extra-good to gain the same level of respect.

I was actually begging them for a "probationary period." Like I had done something wrong. Actually, I do feel like I've done something wrong, I just don't know what.

So I don't know. I just don't know what to do. On the one hand, people are telling me how much they appreciate my work. But...and there's always that little "but" - the kids aren't the "right kind" of kids.

I'm not quite brave enough to argue (even though I think I'd be right) that Jesus hung out with people who were not the "right kind" of people.

But I'm very sad and very conflicted right now. I work my tail off, I have almost no support, I keep being paid this lip-service about how everything's so wonderful, and then I hear that all these people have been coming to the pastor with complaints (which in itself bugs me - it feels like they're going over my head, like they're maybe trying to get me in trouble or persuade the pastor to suspend the youth program without my input).

So I don't know. If I were a different sort of person, I would have resigned right then and there...told them that if that was how they felt, they could find someone else. But like so many things that would feel satisfying at first, I would feel terrible later - because it would be the kids I screwed over, not the people making the complaints.

So I don't know what to do. This is 100% volunteer work, done after my longest day of teaching. I used to love it - I felt it was one way I could give back, one way I could minister to people. But I don't like the feeling that others think I'm ministering to the "wrong sort" of people and that something needs to be done to change the group's composition.

It's going to take a few weeks at least before I can start to feel joy in doing this again, I think. (And I don't even want to think about how to present it to my co-leader: it was proposed that she was part of the problem because it was thought she recruited some of the "bad" kids.

One of the problems, of course, is a lot of the "good" or "desirable" kids already are going to church somewhere. Thanks to the church split of a couple years ago, we lost most of the youth group and have been having to rebuild from scratch.)

But I really don't know. I'm hurt, I'm sad, I'm kind of angry (both at the kids who have brought all this onto the youth group by their foolish actions and also at the adults who can't be bothered to come and help me, but who can condemn the kids and complain to the minister about the program while still telling me I'm doing a good job.)

(Actually, I think that's what bothers me the worst - people telling ME I'm doing a good job and then coming and voicing their complaints to the minister. It feels like talking-behind-my-back. It reminds me too much of the girls in high school who were all simpery and nice to my face, and then said horrible things about me behind my back. I realize it's not the same thing, really, but it feels like it).

I suggested maybe a "real" youth minister - someone with training and someone who would be paid - be hired, but they said that there wasn't money, and besides, none of them had ever had a good experience with having a "professional" youth minister.

(And I will never take pay for the position, even were it offered. Because that sets up even a greater level of expectation. And obviously the group isn't living up to the level of expectation some people have for an all-volunteer organization)

So, I don't know. I suppose I keep the "nuclear option" open - tell the kids up front, "This is what people are thinking" and tell them that if they don't shape up and police themselves, we won't have a youth group any more. Or I suggest another form of "nuclear option" - if I don't get more good, consistent, shows-up-when-they-say-they-will help, I will resign and there will be no more youth group.

I don't know. I'm running on and on here. But I'm really in a lot of pain right now and I don't know what to do.