Well

...it kind of stunk. It started out okay, then the minister showed up to read the kids the riot act (after I had done it twice, my co-leader had done it, after several of the kids apologized).

I cried again after he left. I fought it as hard as I could but I couldn't help it.

I've done what I can to move us past this. Every time people bring it up again it's like a knife in my heart.

I've decided - if people keep bringing it up, if a month passes and people are still after me about it, I will conclude that that's a coded message for Youth Group - Do Not Want.

And I will bow out as gracefully as possible (maybe I'll try to drag things out until Christmas break, at least). I'll tell the kids that I'm extremely sorry but with lack of emotional or spiritual support from the other adults, I cannot keep going.

And then - if the church ever wants to start a youth program up again (to get the "right" kinds of kids, and good freakin' luck with that), it will be without me. Because I will be done. I will have taken the way I was treated as a vote of no confidence.

I e-mailed the pastor to let him know that I felt my co-leader and I had done what we could, that the kids were appropriately repentant, and that I just want to move on. I told him that having people keep bringing it up is incredibly painful for me. (I used lots of "I feel" statements, just like the pop-psych types teach us: don't complain, don't accuse, just say "I feel" and list what the problem is).

So we'll see. I have a feeling part of this is because of some little interpersonal conflict bubbling away somewhere that I have absolutely no part in, but have gotten caught in the crossfire of. That'll teach me to want to be everyone's friend. (sigh.)

So whatever. At least it's over for this week. I think I'm going to try to find something mindless and funny on television (well, Mythbusters is nearly over but maybe I can find a cartoon or something, and get in my jammies, and grab one of my teddy bears [yes, it's a terrible dark secret - I still have a few of my childhood stuffed animals around] and sit on the couch and hold the teddy bear and try to make myself feel better.)