Emerging etiquette

Here's something I've been wondering about.

I don't know much about the "historical" things I am going to speculate on...for one thing, both of my parents' families didn't get television or (in one case) a telephone until after my parents were out of their respective nests, so I am solely going by gut-feelings and what I've read in books.

But I wonder if for every new technology, there's a period of "shaking out," where the ethics and etiquette of how and when that technology is used has to kind of be tested and tried.

I got to thinking about this after the last time I was at the post office. They have a sign up now, that basically says, "If you are chatting with someone on your cell phone when you reach the head of the line, we will serve the NEXT person in line behind you, unless you end your conversation."

Which seems eminently fair to me - one thing I don't enjoy seeing is people throwing money at wal-mart cashiers, treating them as if they're automatons, because whatever's being discussed on the dang cell phone is, apparently, so important that the person can't pause for 30 seconds to acknowledge the humanity of the person in front of them.

I wonder if in the coming year, we'll see more of a backlash like that: people refusing to serve people on cell phones. Waiters telling patrons talking loudly on cell phones to shut up or take it outside (a friend of mine informs me that in some of the better, more cosmopolitan restaurants, that's already happening).

Maybe even a ban on people talking in movies? (And I might start going to movies again, then.)

I wonder what happened with previous "new" technologies...we're still figuring out cell phones and e-mail and blogs.

With e-mail, a lot of people have suggested the 24-hour-rule: if you write an angry or critical e-mail, hold off on sending it for 24 hours (I think some mail clients even have an option you can set to "hold" mail before you finally send) so you can decide whether or not the tone was appropriate. (However, this is actually an older rule: I've seen it applied to letter-writing. I mean, "real" letters, ones made with a pen and paper.) And we're still figuring out what kinds of e-mails are appropriate to send at work, and we're still learning just how permanent your e-mail record is.

(And that last can act in your favor: a good friend of mine is on our campus' academic appeals committee and he says that in some cases, the he-said, she-said situation is solved by one or the other party producing a copy of an e-mail they sent or received that supports their position. And I've done that: sent e-mails to students warning them, "If you don't start showing up to class, you will fail" which should be obvious, but sometimes, when someone's been enabled all through their educational lives, nothing is "obvious." So if they come back and demand a grade adjustment, I can produce a copy of the e-mail and shrug and say, "I warned them.")

And with cell-phones: I think the two big etiquette issues are

a. where is it appropriate to talk on the phone

and

b. when is it appropriate to answer your phone (or, for that matter, have it turned on at all.)

I think we're still working on a. I tend to have a stricter view than a lot of people: I'd like to see it perceived as "tacky" for someone to walk through a store, talking on their phone. Part of that is because I've nearly been run down by people doing that: they become kind of oblivious. I would think the proper thing to do would be to find a non-busy area of the store, and stand still and talk, and finish the conversation as fast as possible.

And I think it's inappropriate to talk on the phone - emergency situations barred - if you are involved in some kind of face-to-face conversation.

As for b., I'd observe that it's tacky to answer the cell phone (again, barring emergency situations, and I'd extend "emergency" to "I'm waiting on the shop to call me to let me know my car's done") when you're talking with another person.

(I can't remember which blog I read it on, but someone was talking about the appropriate response to someone answering their cell-phone mid-conversation with you, and then launching into a "frivolous" conversation with the person on the other end of the cell phone while putting you on "hold" (usually by holding up a hand). The person writing the blog said they felt their response would be to respond to the hand with one particular finger (you guess which one) and walk away.)

I guess I tend to think in terms of priorities. "Emergency" takes top priority, "Logistics" (like - getting a call from the shop to let you know your car's done) also get a high priority. (I was working with a student yesterday and his wife called him to let him know she was home: I regard that as a "logistics" call because the two of them have but one car). Simple conversations - not so much. It doesn't feel fair to tell the person you're talking with IN PERSON that "this conversation on my cell phone is much more interesting than you." Surely it's possible to say, "I'm busy, I will call back."? I mean, unless the person on the phone is embarking on a cruise to Darkest Africa or something, but seriously, how often does that happen?

I also don't like it when people answer phones in class. (Yes, it has happened to me.) I stop dead in my teaching, and stand there and GLARE at them until they get the hint (usually saying, "I can't talk now, bye.") and hang up. That happens rarely but it has happened more than once in my teaching career.

Likewise: in church, in a wedding, at a funeral, at a play, in a concert, in a lecture, in a museum: don't take a conversation. There should be some places in our society where we have quiet and where we get to concentrate on what is being said or what we are observing. (I was very offended the last time I was in a museum: a couple was on the phone chatting with a friend, and they were doing it LOUDLY and right in front of an exhibit several people - self included - wanted to see). I would think people should (again, excepting emergencies) be expected to turn off their cell phones in those situations. (Some places have reminders; I've seen it in concert programs).

Thinking about this, though, made me wonder: what did people do when television, and earlier, telephones first came out?

My parents were among the first generation to have television (but as I said, in both their cases, their families didn't get tvs until my mom and my dad were in college - in fact, I think they had married before my mom's parents got tv.). I do know a few simple etiquette rules that used to be in practice when I was a kid:

1. If someone is over at your house, you don't turn on the television unless
a. it's a national-emergency situation, like the president has been shot or something
or
b. you expressly invited them over to watch something - like the last game of the World Series, for example.

However, recently, I've been at people's houses for visits (and not close family; they're exempt from this rule) and they've turned on the tv. In one memorable case, I was at a meeting at someone's house - for a committee I was on - and the woman who's house we were at wanted to watch "Survivor," so she put it on WHILE WE WERE TRYING TO CONDUCT THE MEETING.

When it's just a social visit and someone switches on the tv, I take it as a cue to leave. Even if the person insists they don't want me to go. Unless I came to their house with the expectation of watching something, having someone switch on the tv tells me "I am now bored with your company."

I do understand - from some of my reading - that in its earlier days, television was more of a social event. Now, mainly (at least in my circle) people get together for Super Bowl parties and such, and watch sporting events together. But it seems that in the early days, people with tvs would invite friends (especially friends who did not yet have tvs) over for things like the Kraft Theater and other more "highbrow" programs. (I suppose not unlike friends getting together to watch a dvd today).

I also wonder about the telephone - an older technology, one that no one in my family would remember the invention of (Well, no one living). I don't know much about the early etiquette of the telephone, aside from having read that some people feared the interruption it would cause, that it would put people at the beck and call of others (hmm, kind of like cell phones today - one of the reasons I don't give out my number, one of the reasons I don't turn the dang thing on most of the time is that I like to be able to walk across campus or go shopping without someone being able to call me). And the fact that apparently Graham Bell thought that the appropriate greeting when you picked up the phone was "A-hoy-hoy" (which has been "immortalized" by how Monty Burns answers the phone on "The Simpsons.")

But, with a few boorish exceptions, the landline telephone and the television have been incorporated into our lives and it seems etiquette has kind of grown up around them. Perhaps the same will happen for cell phones and internet usage.